


Heaven is a place on Earth, when I'm with you

by cjbloomfield



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barson, Bullying, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:48:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22096627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjbloomfield/pseuds/cjbloomfield
Summary: Rafael & Olivia try to find a balance between work and family life. No one said it would be easy, but they never thought it would be this hard. Fortunately, the couple has one another to get through the storm together. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war. But how do you pick and chose?This ultimately an idea dump where I test out writing family dynamics, angst, hurt/comfort, smut, etc. I had an idea and ran with it, this is strictly being written for fun so if no one reads it, I’ll be content with that. But if you do, read this fic with a grain of salt! It isn’t very realistic or follow any logical canon timeline.
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 44
Kudos: 62





	1. Of War & Peace & Maybe Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a good writer, I just write for fun and whenever an idea pops into my head. I hope you all enjoy my mindless babble. Please do leave kudos, share, & comment, leave your opinions and feedback!

“I see you! I see you when you look at those other women when we’re in public.” Olivia pushed against Rafael’s chest, in an attempt to escape from the corner he had her trapped in. Much to her dismay, he didn’t budge.

“You are insufferable at times!” Rafael gritted his teeth.

“I’m insufferable because you don’t find me attractive anymore? That’s rich, Rafael-even for you.” She scoffed.

“And now you’re just being dense. That is the most nescient assumption to ever come out of your mouth, Olivia.” Rafael takes another step closer, Olivia’s back hits the wall, and their chests begin to touch and press into each other. “I’m not looking at other women,” Rafael spoke curtly.

“So you’re looking at other men? You aren’t denying your roaming eyes! I can barely imagine how you behave when I’m not there-“ What started out as anger on her lips shortly reflected bottled up insecurities.

That was unlike Olivia. The woman who oozed confidence. Olivia is as strong as they come, even she gets insecure too?

“You reassured me that you didn’t mind my bisexuality!” Rafael all but seethed.

In all the years and all the relationships, no one he’d ever coupled with could stomach his bisexuality, maybe it was more their insecurities than it was his sexuality; but through it all, Olivia had. Olivia loved him despite it all; she loved him just as much whether he was attracted, women or men.

“I don’t! I don’t give a rats ass if you are attracted to men and women or fucking hippopotamuses! As long as you choose me and keep choosing me! As long as you love me, care about me, are attracted to me, and actually want to be with _me_!” Olivia emphasized the end.

“Are you being deliberately dense here?” The anger simmered in Rafael, dangerously close to erupting. “How could anyone not be attracted to you?” He bit back.

“Explain it to me then! Because you obviously aren’t.” Olivia spit, the heat of her breath danced across Rafael’s chin, this usually would send a calming wave through Rafael’s body; this only peaked his anger, sending a wave of arousal to his pants.

“Have you ever even considered using a minuscule fraction of your brain? Maybe even 2% of those detective skills that financially supports your lifestyle?” Rafael decided to swallow the insults that pliéd across his tongue. ”Did you ever consider that I wasn’t looking at these men and women because I was attracted to them but because they were ogling at you? Undressing you with their eyes? Glaring at me because they wanted to be in my place; with my hand at the small of your back, fingers interlocked, or arms steady around your waist? It’s not an attraction to them you see in my eyes; it’s to _you_. I’m smug because you are mine and I’m never letting you go.” Rafael spoke lowly, the anger in his tone flushed with arousal-making it nearly impossible to delineate between the two.

Rafael cut Olivia’s response with an open mouth kiss. The room was filled with tension so thick it’d have to be cut with a heated metal knife.

The couple had been so busy with work they could only find time to have quick working lunches or sneak a way to bring the other a coffee when they were expecting long nights, which were often. The couple hasn’t had sex in a little over four months; between the job, Noah, and taking care of the everyday responsibilities of life; the couple had no time for intimacy.

The sexual tension grew gradually; wanting each other more than ever, but never having the time or space to satiate those desires was brutal. The couple took a hit; they’d been arguing more, laughing less.

**...**

_“You’ve been talking to Cassidy?” Rafael nearly seethes, as he picks up Olivia’s phone, the screen reads, ‘Bri’ with his picture in the background._

_“No, not really since he left the NYPD, why?” Olivia responds casually as she saunters into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. “Are you going through my phone?” She stops her hand in mid-air._

_“Why are you in correspondence with Brian Cassidy? Is that why you’ve been in your office so late lately? Am I not good enough for you Olivia? Do I bore you?” He scoffs._

_“Cassidy retired to Florida, Rafael.” She swallowed her anger._

_The invasion of her privacy is what bothered her, not the accusations, not the fact that her boyfriend didn’t trust her enough, but the fact that he’d succumb to going through her phone._

_“I thought you weren’t talking to him, so how could you possibly know that he’d retired to the sunshine state?”_

_“Because I have him on Facebook! But you knew that already, so why are you asking me simple fucking questions that have self-explanatory answers! It’s like you’re tryingto pick a fight with me.”_

_“It’s hardly picking a fight when you’ve slept with the man.”_

_“You’re infuriating. That was LAST century. Do you think I’m some late night booty call for Brian Cassidy? We’ve been together for nearly three years, why the hell would I backtrack for someone I didn’t give the time of day in 1999!”_

_Olivia was enraged. He knew. He knew she would never cheat, cheating on him would be like cheating herself._

_“Then why is he calling you, Olivia. It’s 12:45 AM for Christ's sake!”_

_“Pick up the fucking phone and find out! How the hell would I know why he’s calling me if I just told you I don’t keep in contact.” She crosses her arms, as he clicked the green answer button._

_“Cassidy.” Rafael picked up flatly._

_“Olivia?” His words were slurred. “You sound like a man.” He giggled._

_“Are you drunk Cassidy?” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Why are you calling Olivia at nearly 1 in the morning?” He pressed, attempting to restrain the contemptuous tone of his voice._

_“Liv, why are you speaking in third person?” Brian laughed. “Did I ever tell you my secret?” Rafael opened his mouth to explain to Brian that he wasn’t Liv. “You’re the reason I left SVU. You made me fall in love with you, just after one night. But you wouldn’t give me a chance, I know you felt it too, Liv. Why can’t we try it out now? We don’t work together anymore. We’re not getting any younger and I think you’re the love of my life.” His drunken confessions had no effect on Olivia’s outward appearance._

_“You’re barking up the wrong tree.” Rafael bit back._

_“Is that all you have to say after I spill my heart to you? God, you’re such a bitch. But I fucking love you and I can’t stop. Head overshoes.” Olivia rolled her eyes._

_“You simpleton, brainless meathead, fucking cretin. This isn’t Olivia. This is her boyfriend. Don’t you ever call my girlfriend out of her name, stop calling her phone, she isn’t available-move on.” He hits the end button, the moment he meets eyes with Olivia the guilt eats at him. “Liv-“_

_“Maybe you should leave.” She states simply._

_“Liv. Please, I’m so sorry.” He steps closer to her, she steps back, as if she’s repulsed at the sight of him. That felt like a slap on the face._

_“I’ve been contemplating and meditating about what to do to fix us, to get us out of this rough patch we’ve been in. But now I’m at a loss for words. You don’t trust me, Rafael. You always seem irritated when I’m around. I can’t help but think that maybe we should have waited or should have never dated-”_

_“Isn’t this worth saving?” Rafael’s eyes plead._

_He can feel them fading, they aren’t going to make it long at the rate they’ve been going. Fear fills his chest, he can’t think straight. Olivia and Noah are the only good things going in his life at the moment. He can’t lose them._

_“That’s beside the point, I’m disappointed. You ruin everything, you do it every time. You treat me like I’m the enemy. But I need you to leave Rafael. I need space. I can’t keep doing this.”_

_‘There’s no me without you in it.’ Rafael held back, the words burning the back of his throat._

_“I don’t know what I’m capable of at the moment. I want to fuck you right now. But I’m trying my hardest not to disrespect you. If you still want me to be your girl in the morning I highly suggest that you leave. We both need space. We both need to think and calm ourselves down. Find the middle ground and figure out how to fix this. Because we can’t keep going like this but I don’t want this to be the end.” Rafael nodded solemnly._

_“I’ll take my leave after saying this...” Liv met his green eyes, patiently waiting to hear what he has to say. “I had no right to assume, I got caught up in my self-righteous anger and formidable insecurities to rationalize the situation. To remember who you are at your core, that you’d never do anything to hurt me. To think before I spoke. To remember the trust, love, and effort our relationship is built on. To take the time to remember that you nor I would ever let someone else get in between everything we’ve worked so hard to build. I just want you to know that I am utterly sorry, and deserve whatever time apart you wish for, to help you want to be with me again.” He stepped closer, placing her phone on the table and planting a gentle kiss on her forehead._

_With that, he left._

**...**

Rafael refused to spend their first free night in four months arguing, instead of taking care of the pressing issue at hand.

Rafael pushed Olivia squarely up against the wall before he took a step back, tugging her with him, in his pursuit of the bed. He took a fist full of her ass in between his hands, groping it tightly. Olivia moaned into his mouth. The heat pooling in between her legs heightened as Rafael couldn’t undress her fast enough for either of their likings.

Rafael unhinged Olivia’s pants, releasing her from the tight denim restraints. They pooled at her ankles as she kicked them off she worked his belt, unlooping the buckle and slowly pulling his trousers from his hips; Olivia reached into her boyfriend’s boxers; caressing his rock hard cock. Rafael had enough of the games, he broke the kiss to remove both of their shirts. He ran his hands against the base of Olivia’s underwear; she was soaked straight through.

“Is this for me?” Rafael whispered into her ear as he kissed and nibbled along her neck.

“Mmm.” Was all Olivia could muster as he rubbed her through the material of her underwear.

“How long?” His tongue ran over the expanse of her jawline.

“Four.” She responded breathlessly, her hips bucking against his soft touch.

“Four what?” Rafael pressed, “you’ve been wet for me for four what?” He licked his lips as he tugged the lace material down her hips.

“Mm-months” she barely spoke above a whisper, the feel of his fingers in her folds made her mind too hazy to use complete sentences.

“I’m gonna show you...show you how attracted to you I really am. I’m making sure that you’re gonna feel this for the rest of the week.” Rafael pushed his girlfriend against the bed, speaking in between kisses; her legs bent over the side as she laid on her back. Rafael didn’t spare Olivia a moment before he plunged his mouth to her sweet heat; there’s nothing Rafael craved more than the taste of his stimulated girlfriend. His tongue lapped around her folds, wanting to hit every crevice and taste every bit of her that he missed in the last four months; before focusing on the bundle of nerves at her center. Rafael’s lips suctioned her clit into his attention, he lightly grazed his teeth against it.

Olivia gasped, grasping onto his soft tendrils, in an attempt to pull Rafael deeper into her core. Rafael flicked his tongue roughly against her clitoris causing Olivia’s hips to jump. Rafael, nose deep in Olivia’s pussy pulled away as the orgasm began to pool in the depths of her stomach, she was on the brink, he needed to catch his breath. A low guttural groan left her lips. Olivia squirmed at the loss of friction, Rafael smirked, plunging his left middle and pointer fingers deep into her heat, his mouth repositioning itself moments after.

Olivia couldn’t help the shouts of bliss that left the back of her throat before she could process it. Olivia, more than grateful that her son was with his Abuelita Lucia tonight. The orgasm thrumming throughout her entire body didn’t mean Rafael planned on retreating from his attack; he was thoroughly enjoying the taste and feel of her pussy against his tongue.

“Ra-fa” Olivia squirmed, the orgasm had been ripping through her for the last two minutes, Rafael still plunging his fingers into her depths and his tongue still running laps around her clit. Olivia could feel a squirt building in her core as Rafael curled his already deep fingers inside of her. “RAFAEL!” Olivia cried, using her right hand to push his head away from her overly sensitive core, she was unsuccessful. Rafael conceded slightly, removing his fingers that were buried deep inside of her, pulling her closer, locking his arms around her outer thighs.

Rafael vigorously shook his head from side to side in an attempt to trigger the warm liquid to be shot to the back of his throat, filling him up in ways he’d only desired for months. Olivia’s body shook as the squirt shot out of her and into Rafael’s mouth. He lapped her pussy with his tongue one last time before finally moving away.

He instantly pressed his lips against hers, pulling them higher on the mattress; he wrapped his arms around Olivia until her body stopped quivering from the soul rattling orgasm. She’d be so ashamed to face their neighbors tomorrow. Rafael worked on placing kisses along every inch of her exposed upper body, showing his appreciation and love for his girlfriend. He ended his worship of her body with a languid kiss against her already throbbing clitoris.

Rafael’s cock was rock hard, he wasn’t going to make it through the night if he didn’t cum-but he only wanted the sweet release to be inside the warm holes of his girlfriend. Rafael sat up, admiring Olivia’s body once again. Her eyes were shut, but she wasn’t asleep, the slow rise and fall of her chest, her left leg was bent laid flatly on the mattress, as her right was pointed outward- giving him the perfect view of her pink throbbing pussy; he loved it all, his cock growing harder at the breathtaking sight.

Rafael gently tapped the side of her thigh with the base of his palm never leaving contact with her skin, “Turn over.” Rafael ordered with hooded eyes. Olivia didn’t hesitate to roll onto her stomach after seeing the look in her boyfriend’s eyes. He ran his right hand through her slick heat, using her remaining juices as a lubricant for his twitching dick. “I need you to arch your back.” His voice low and husky, unable to mask the arousal and blatant horniness in his tone. Olivia immediately responding to his demands.

Without warning Rafael dived into the warm depths of her pussy, his thrusts were brutal-hard, fast, and rough but they were rhythmic. The arch position allowed Rafael to hit different spots he’d never encountered before, he was plunging deeply into her.

“Ra-Rafa.” Olivia plead, she needed a reprieve, he was too deep, she felt like she could physically feel him in her stomach. She couldn’t find the words to explain to him this felt too good, that it practically hurt. But the pain felt so damn good. His thrust increased with intensity, he was mercilessly rocking into her already throbbing pussy.

Olivia broke the arch, laying flatly onto her stomach, needing a moment's break, needing him not to be so deeply planted into her just for a moment so she could catch her breath. Nearly instantly Rafael noticed, a pointed smack on her ass warned her to get back in position, the sting of the contact burned, she was sure he left a mark, but the feel of his hands caressing the red spot on her ass he smacked felt good, arousing even.

“Olivia,” Rafael warned. She resumed the position, his cock reaching new depths of her warmth was probably her biggest regret. She shoved her head into a pillow to muffle her screams.

“Fuuuck, Rafa!” She cried, she used her right arm to push him away some, “Too deep! Too deep!” He took her right arm and pinned it against her lower back, quickening his thrusts. “Fuuuck.” Olivia practically sobbed into the pillow. He felt her hips giving out under his ruthless thrusts, he reached for her jaw, never letting up on the tempo or intensity. He pulled her face from the pillows, her muffled whimpers now full-blown sobs masked as moaning. Rafael silenced her with his mouth, pulling her in for a kiss, somehow allowing them to become closer, him plowing a few centimeters deeper inside her. The kiss was hot, wet, and sensual. His relentless attack on her pussy was the opposite of the kiss they shared, even though she didn’t want to end the shared intimacy they had to, Olivia’s body doesn’t bend as easily as it used to.

She was only able to handle 30 more seconds of his unsparing thrusts after the kiss broke. She helplessly fell flat on her stomach, no more energy to keep the position. “Olivia,” Rafael called. She didn’t budge. He smacked her untouched ass cheek, taking the mound of her ass into his hand and squeezing the meat between his fingers. She remained unmoving. He sighed.

“I-I’m sorry,” She muttered into her forearm. He slowed his thrusts to a complete stop to reposition her, he pinned her hips to the bed and began to move inside her once again, Olivia gasped at this new level of closeness he achieved.

Rafael was usually never this dominant. Their sex life has always been give and take, but she understood that he gave a lot and was now his turn to take.

Rafael fucked her into the mattress, his ministrations were now harder, faster, more intense, and rough then they were before. His tempo picking up with each thrust, each thrust more remorseless then the last. Her orgasm was throbbing, a dam ready to break. She didn’t know how much longer she’d be able to hold on.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Olivia groaned from the burning pleasure. “Baaaaby.” Picking up his speed, she nearly lost it. “No! Please. Rafa, I-I can’t take it.” She sobbed. “Baby. _Please_ tell me you’re close.” She all but begged.

“I’m so close, baby. So close.” He pounded into her. She was unsure if anyone would be able to excavate her from this mattress. “Just hold on a little more, I want you to cum with me, please.” He pulled her closer, she could feel the twitching of his cock inside her tightening walls, a few more thrusts and she was done for.

“I want you to cum in me.” She relented, figuring this wasn’t going to end until he was able to blow his load too.

“Olivia!” He cried, “I’m right there baby, right there! Cum for me.” She let go of the orgasm she’d been holding in for the past five or so minutes, she had no way of telling time but the pressure and pleasure Rafael was putting on her pussy made this intercourse feel like an eternity. The tightening of her walls around his erect dick was his undoing and instantly his warm fluids filled her up. Rafael collapsed on top of Olivia, searching for the strength to pull out from her warmth.

They both just laid there trying to find their baseline heart rate and the ability to breathe.

“Liv?” Rafael’s voice cut through the silence. “Are you okay?” _Did I hurt you_? Was the unspoken question. She nodded her head, unable to speak after the mind-numbing orgasm he just gave her.

“I don’t know...” her voice trailed off, after finding her composure. “If you just fucked my brains out because you love me or if you hate me.” She whispered.

“I love you, Olivia.” He finally pulled himself out of her and planted his body next to hers; placating her with a gentle kiss. “I’m so in love with you, with all of you, even after all these years, I’m still in awe of you. I can’t find a flaw on you, all I see is perfection. And I pray all you see is beauty looking back at your reflection. I wanted you to feel that. To feel that whenever you feel insecure. Whenever you walk, hell with every breath you take.” He chuckled.

“Well, mission accomplished. I don’t think I’ll be able to walk for at least two days.” She rolled her eyes.

“Good thing it’s Friday and you aren’t on call this weekend.” He whispered as he nibbled on her ear.

“Don’t even think about it. You keep that thing away from me! Tongue included.” He laughed with his whole chest.

“You just taste and feel so good, Mamá. You look as good as you taste. How can I help myself?” He smiled.

“Rafa are you alright? Your heart is pounding, not harder then you were pounding me but,” Olivia chuckles at her own joke, as he rolls over, slipping something out of how nightstand. “If that’s a condom, I swear to the almighty God, I’m calling the police.” Olivia protests. 

“You are the police,” he rolled out of bed completely, a curt smirk on his face. “This isn’t how I imagined this going, but I can’t think of a better time to do this than right now.” Olivia turned over to meet Rafael’s eyes, but the sight of him in the nude on one knee caught her by surprise. The breath hitched in her lungs at the sight.

“Raf?” Tears brimmed her eyes, as she slowly sat up.

“I’m sorry that things have been so tense these past few months, I love you with my entire being, I think we just need to find time for us...” His voice trailed off, trying to find the right words but his nerves overpowered his train of thought. “I love you. I love the way your hair falls past your lips, the way you walk, how you sway your hips. Every single time you tell me you love me it feels like the first, my heart beats so loudly in my chest, I can’t hear anything else but you. I love the way you look when you first wake up, how your hands fall so perfectly into mine, how every time we kiss I want to press pause and rewind.” Rafael nervously rambled through his thoughts.

“Olivia, you're a star, you’re my rock, my safe haven, my North Star, always leading me back home...well I guess back to you because you are my definition of home. I'm in love with you, with all of you.” He licked his lips sensuously, the taste of her still lingering, he used that to ground him.

”I dreamed of you, I prayed for you, I'm grateful for your presence. I do not understand what I did to deserve your light, your beauty, your presence, your love, what I did to deserve you but I feel like I'm in heaven, because Olivia, baby, you are my heaven on earth. You came into my life and you saved me now I fall even more in love with you every single time you call me, baby. Your heart is unconditional, your love is so true. I love when you hold me. I’m so in love with the way you giggle when I make you laugh, it's nauseatingly cute. And how we never plan days because every day is something new; with our hectic and unpredictable work schedules, living separately, and putting Noah first we hardly find the time for us, and it’s been so evident these last four months, it almost cost us, _us._ But I want you to know that I never take for granted that I love just loving you and being loved by you. I'm just so in love with you. I'm infatuated with every single thing you do; even when you accuse me of not being attracted to you and looking at other people when you’re all I see and want to see for the rest of my life. I love you in my jealous and insecure fits. I’m in love with you when I’m mad, sad, and everything in between. I love you even when you cause me to fuck you mercilessly to the point of tears, so maybe you can finally feel my love. I’m in love with the crinkle in your eye, the dimple in your smile, and the way you drive me up the wall insane-you challenge me. If there’s only one thing I know, is if loving you is wrong then I don't want to be right.” Rafael paused.

“I’m rambling and not making much cohesive sense aren’t I?” Olivia giggled, shaking her head with tears in her eyes. “What I’m trying to say is..Years ago I gave up on love after having my heart shattered to smithereens, I swore off love indefinitely and then here you came waltzing into my courtroom six short months later, on July 11th, 2012, as if the universe was trying to prove a point. And ever since I met you, three and a half years ago you've been on my brain. So, Sergeant Olivia Margret Benson, will do the honor of letting me be your husband and Noah’s father? Will you marry me?”

“Of course Rafa! I’ll marry you!” Olivia nodded her head aggressively, wiping the tears as they fell. Rafa climbed into the bed, sweetly capturing her lips with his. After they pulled apart, he slipped the ring onto her left ring finger, resting his forehead on hers.

“Let’s buy a house!Let’s start a family. I don’t want to wait any longer. We’re already 40 and I want to have mini Barba-Benson’s running around.” He spoke softly.

“Just mini Barba’s no abbreviation.” She kissed his nose, he stared intently into her eyes, a loving gaze isn’t enough to describe the look the couple shared.

“Really?” She nodded her head enthusiastically, he was touched by the sentiment. “I hope one day you have our child, I know she'll be beautiful because she'll look like you.” He pressed a sweet kiss on her forehead.

“Good thing I’m ovulating.” She pulled him into a tender kiss, they fell back in a bout of giggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a good writer I just write for fun; I'm bad with exposition, titles, and character development. I either make it too long or too short. I'm hoping to get better as I continue to write and then I'll come back and edit/rework this story, but for now, I'm just being experimental and getting all my ideas on paper!


	2. Rafael's Vows: A Confession of the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short glimpse at the Barson wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, sweet, and to the point.

“Wednesday, July 11th, 2012 you walked into arraignment court, your hair was a decadent shade of chocolate brown accented with subtle golden highlights; immediately I was lost in the warmth of your aura-completely drowning in the pools of the chocolate abyss you call eyes. At that moment I knew. I knew that was it for me, you were it for me. In the mere seconds since I’d laid eyes on you I was captivated. Everyone else in the room began to fade away. Your reputation preceded you, I’d heard years of talk about your beauty and strength but nothing compared to the real thing. Black and white had never graced this earth as eloquently and heavenly as it did lay upon your delicate radiant skin. I remember being speechless for the first time in my life after laying eyes on you. It didn’t last long, as I’m quick on my feet. My eyes never left yours, the shy smile that rested gently across your supple lips. That span of 5-10 seconds forever etched into the crevices of my mind. And I never want to let it go, just like I never want to let you go. You are an angel sent straight from God himself. You, Olivia, are God’s gift to earth. You are my mini piece of heaven, right here on earth. When everything else goes wrong, you are the only thing that can make it better. I love you Olivia Margret Benson through and through with my whole heart from the moment I laid eyes on you until the very end of my being and even into the next lifetime my soul will belong to you. I pray we find each other early on in our next life because this lifetime isn’t nearly enough for the amount of forever I want to spend with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on a random Thursday in November while I was at work, rewatching SVU and I just had a rush of motivation. I was going to make this a drabble but decided against it.


	3. Unless It's With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia vows her love for Rafael.

“I never wanted to feel weak in love, give up control; let down my guard and be vulnerable, or feel helpless or too comfortable. I convinced myself I’d make it on my own. I used to think a lot about the way that people change and how the most beautiful beginnings can go down in flames. It's inevitable, and that's what's got me so afraid, feeling that I'd rather be alone. I never wanted a white picket fence, one dozen roses, and a wedding dress because all fairytales are, are fake happiness, but here we are...and I must confess, I'm in over my head feeling confused that maybe I’m losing my mind because I never wanted to get married...” Olivia’s voice trails off, the crowd fills with dread, but a soft smile lingers on Rafael’s face, adoration and love in his eyes. 

“Unless it's with you.” Olivia finished her thoughts subtly. 

“You came into my life when I wasn't trying to find anyone to love, hiding what I felt inside but you opened me up and now I finally realize I'll be your girl for _life, till death do us part, Rafael Barba_.” Olivia chokes up, inhaling through her nose before she carries on with her vows. 

“You can ask me in a hundred years if I would still be standing here when we're old and gray, I'd answer the same. Our love will remain. With a beating heart and trembling hands, you take me just the way I am, every time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just thought I'd come back and add Olivia's vows 
> 
> taken from Unless It's With You by Christina Aguilera


	4. Every Family has Secrects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing the Barba family, and so the story begins.

The tensions of a long week worked their way into Olivia’s joints, muscles, and crevices. She couldn’t wait until she could slip into a warm bath with lavender bath salts & her favorite vanilla jasmine candle to offset her nerves.

Olivia placed her keys and purse on the nearest accepting object or surface, she kicked off her shoes and released the top few buttons of her baby blue work blouse.There was an eerie silence in her home; she’d done a 360 to reassure herself that she’d entered the correct brownstone.

“Hmm,” She hummed at the back is her throat. Where was her husband of five nearly six years? Her precious- 8-year old-little man? Her adorable 5-year-old twin girls? Her charming 35-month-old green-eyed devil? Without hesitation Olivia began to ascend the stairs; deciding that she’ll inquire about her family's whereabouts while inside of the warm bath that’s been crying out her name.

It only took mere moments for Olivia to strip out of her clothes and slip into the steaming bathwater, the scent, and vapors sing her name like a siren’s song. The warmth of the bath reached her aching muscles & the smell of Jasmine and vanilla is all it took to lure Olivia into an inevitable nap.

Liv has no idea how long she’d been unconscious when the sound of distant rumbling jostled her from her sleep. She quickly drained the bath and dried off, throwing on some spandex, a tank top, & her husband’s favorite Harvard Hoodie.

Her feet padded softly across the cool dark hardwood. “Moommaaaaa!” Her, 35-month-old son was the first to notice her presence in the kitchen.

“Hi, Momma’s big boy! How are youuu?” She tried her hardest to never use the baby voice with her children, but one look into her sweet son’s green orbs and the battle was lost. Her son extended his arms out to her, signaling to her he wanted to be in her grasp.

“Luca wants up! Luca wants mommy!” He wriggled, fidgeting and fighting to get out of his high chair. Olivia gently rescued her son from his confinement. She planted a warm kiss on his cheek, Luca fought off a blush- that was something he got from his father; the inability to play it cool around her. Luca loved his mother more than life itself-it was obvious to her, that Luca was just entering the phallic stage- he’d recently been showing unexplainable attachment and affection to his mother.

“Hey! Save some for daddy.” Rafael crosses the kitchen with three plates of apple slices and peanut butter. He chastely plants a sweet kiss on Olivia’s lips, after such a long week, Liv wanted to put the kids to bed in that very moment and ride her husband's face, but since it was barely six o’clock, she decided to keep it PG, she kissed back gently not wanting to excite a situation they couldn’t fix at the moment. Luca sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes, earning a laugh from Noah. Luca’s Oedipus complex was in full swing-he was roughly two weeks away from turning three- Luca hated the sight of his father's physical affection for his mother.

“Papi! Momma’s mine!” Luca exasperated, wrapping his arms snuggly around his mother's neck the moment his father pulled away from their shared kiss.

“Yes, momma is all yours!” She giggled. Luca grew more and more like his father everyday. The piercing green eyes, the short dark hair, the pale skin, the dramaticism, the jealousy-the two were practically identical, in physical appearance and in personality. “Imagine carrying someone inside of you for 10 months just for them to be an exact mini replica of their father,” She joked. “But it’s okay, because you love me more, and that makes up for it.”

“Yes!” Luca rejoiced. Only half-aware of the conversation’s true meaning. Rafael rolled his eyes, cleaning up the mess he’d made while preparing a snack for his children and was quickly getting a start on dinner. Liv placed Luca back in his high chair, making her way down the line, greeting her children.

“Hi, my sweet boy!” She placed a kiss at the top of Noah’s head. Slyly stealing an apple slice off of his plate, and smiling sweetly upon being caught.

“Momma!” He warned her to steer clear of his snack or else there’d be consequences.

“Sorry, sweet boy, momma hasn’t been home in two days!” She exclaimed. “I haven’t eaten anything other than coffee and saltines & quite frankly, your daddy is taking far too long with dinner.” She explained in a whisper, taking a seat in between her son and daughter, earning a laugh from Noah and Rafael. “How was school this week?” She asked, desperately wanting to catch up with her son’s life. He was growing up so fast before she’d know it he’d be in the stage where everything she did would be wrong and he couldn’t wait to get away from her and then out of thin air he’d be off to college, never to think about his old needy mother again.

“We made volcanoes erupt during science today! And next week Mr. Navarro said we’re making ice cream with salt and milk!” The excitement was bright in his eyes. “Oh that reminds me, Can you come to career day this year? Last year daddy went and it was so cool! I want my class to see how awesome my mom is so they can be jealous!” He rambled on, a soft smile lingering on her face. “I know you can’t bring your gun, but can you at least bring your handcuffs? There are some kids I want you to arrest for being annoying and mean.” He rolled his eyes.

“I can’t exactly issue an arrest warrant because some kids are annoying,” Rafael responded from the refrigerator, pulling out the important ingredients. Olivia’s stifled chuckle fought its way to the surface.

Noah mumbled something under his breath, Olivia didn’t quite catch what he said, “What was that Noah?” Olivia asked with a stupid grin still planted on her face.

“Hmm.” He hummed shocked that his mother may have heard him. “Oh, nothing.” His mind wandered off. “Can you sign my permission slip for the science museum and zoo? The field trip is next month but I don’t want to wait and you don’t come home that night and I miss the trip because I waited too long.” He smoothly changed the subject, pulling the permission slip and a pen out of his bag. She’d decided to put a pin in what he’d said earlier, not wanting to dampen a good mood. She grabbed the pen, reading over the permission slip, she signed it quickly and repinned the dollar bills Rafael neatly paper-clipped to the field trip form. She safely slid the form back into his folder and placed the folder directly into his book bag.

“How was your day Princess Rosalía?” Olivia turned her head, to the right, leaving Noah to bask in his own thoughts.

“It was good! I missed you, mommy.” She said between stuffing apple slices down her throat. Her green eyes twinkled under the florescent lights as she looked up to her mother. Olivia nearly teared up. 

“Mommy missed you too.” She fought back the scratch at the back of her throat. “Mommy missed all of you.” She placed a lingering kiss on top of Rosie’s dark curls.

“I still miss momma! Momma pick Luca up?” Olivia looked over at her son; his hands, his face, and bib were covered in peanut butter.

“Oh, not like that I won’t.” She chuckled, she walked to the hall where Luca’s baby bag sat against the wall, she pulled the baby wipes out ready to clean up her son.

“And that _mi amor,_ is a trait he did not inherit from me,” Rafael whispered against her neck, sending goosebumpsall over her body. He wrapped his arms gently around her waist, placing a sweet kiss at the base of her neck, sending a shiver down her spine.

“Noooo! Papi, momma mine!” Luca warned his father for the last time. Rafael released his grasp from her waist raising his arms in surrender, not before running his hands down her waist, tugging her hips closer to his manhood. He stepped back after he gave her ass a quick squeeze, a sly move on his end that none of their kids could see, but Olivia was still trying to reel herself in from his actions.

“You’re right, you’re right. Mommy is yours.” Retreating back to the stove. After finally wiping her son clean, a thought dawned on Olivia.

“You know from the width of my hips and the fact that my body will never be the same again brings to my attention...we’re missing a child.” She looks around the room for evidence of her youngest daughter.

“Well, the hips don’t lie, now do they?” Rafael retorted. She almost barked a sexually motivated comeback but swallowed the response.

“Rosie?” She called out, grabbing her daughter's attention from her coloring page in front of her. “Where’s your sister?” Rosie simply responded to her mother with the shrug of her shoulders. “Whose daughter is this? The offspring of a prosecutor and the captain of the SVU and she knows nothing. If she didn’t physically come out of me, I’d ask you who mothered her.” Olivia’s eyes are focused on Rafael, he doesn’t even try to stifle the chuckle. “Luca, have you seen your sister?”

“Dem-Dem!” He claps his hands at the thought of his sibling that he absolutely adored above all else.

“I’ll take that as a no,” She turned to look at Noah, who’d been quiet for a little too long for her own comfort. “Noah?” She called. “Have you seen your sister?”

“Yeah.. she’s upstairs.” His voice veered off, but she could tell he sounded distressed. She flicked her attention to Rafael for a moment.

“She insisted that she didn’t want her snack after the park. She said she wasn’t feeling up to eating dinner last night. It completely slipped my mind, all she’d asked for was you.” Her eyes filled with worry. He let their five-year-old daughter skip dinner and snack?

“Rosie, did sissy eat breakfast, lunch, or snack at school today?” Olivia’s worry grew.

“No, all week and last week she gave her lunch to Savannah. Her mommy doesn’t pack her lunch like you do for us. Savannah’s always hungry so most days Demi goes in the breakfast line and gives her, her breakfast too.” Olivia’s heart dropped into her stomach. Her little Demi has always been such a bleeding heart-a single trait of many that she’d gotten from her mother. “And Demi gives me her snack every day! She knows I love frosted animal crackers and apple slices! My sissy is the best.” Her grin was so wide thinking about her twin sister, Olivia wondered if her face had begun to hurt yet.

“I’m gonna go find Demi and make sure she had a snack. Mommy will be right back!” Olivia reassures her children, kissing each of their cheeks before rushing up the stairs.

Olivia walks straight into the twins' lavender and white bedroom without knocking, panic arose in her chest when her daughter wasn’t laying in her bed. “Demetria Noële Barba,” Olivia called out as she exited the room. Suddenly there was silence, she didn’t notice the sounds of muffled whimpers until there was a lack of it. Now all her ears could pick up was the sound of unsteady breathing. She tracked the source of the sound to the hallway’s coat closet. “Demetria Noëlle?” She said sweetly as she swung the closet door open. Olivia’s heart nearly broke, looking down at her daughter's attempt to console herself in the privacy of the dark hallway closet.

Why was she crying? What was wrong? Why couldn’t Olivia find the words to fix her very hurt daughter? Her eyes filled with tears and her heart with panic.

Demi’s eyes reflected the joy she felt when she saw her mother but also the desire to shy away from her mother’s touch and retreat back into the security of the dark abyss. Olivia dropped down on her knees. “Can I join you?” She whispered gently. Demi nodded softly. Olivia crawled into the closet pulling Demi into her lap, Demi’s resistance was only a façade; she gripped at her mother’s-well father’s- hoodie and sobbed into the crevice of her mother’s neck, Demi’s arms slowly found their way around her mother’s upper body, holding on for dear life; Olivia wrapped her arms around her baby girl. Olivia was already crying, just from seeing her daughter in distress. “Can you tell mommy what’s wrong?” Olivia gulped back the fear and near crack in her voice at the back of her throat. Demi only began to shake harder in her arms.

So Olivia just held her, as long as she needed to be held, if that meant Olivia had to sit in this closet for the next two days and call out of work on Monday, she would. After 10 minutes of being wrapped in her mother’s arms, Demi finally began to calm down a bit; her sobs had subsided, her breathing felt steady, and she’d pulled away from the nape of her mother’s neck. Olivia took the opportunity to free herself from the hoodie, the heat from being trapped in the closet, under the dim fluorescent light, and being engulfed in her daughter’s arms caused her to shed the hoodie off of her skin, leaving her in just a simple baby blue t-shirt.

“Demi? Can you talk to momma? Can you let me know what’s wrong?” Demi was hesitant. “You know you can tell me anything in the whole wide world & momma will always be there for you. Always and in all ways.” Olivia used her thumbs to wipe away her daughter's tears. “Please tell momma why you’re crying.” She pleads, moving the dark brown locks stuck to her face.

“I...” Demi stops to sniffle. “I wish I was never born. Why can’t I just disappear?” Demi’s body began to tremble again. Olivia’s heart dropped from her chest into her ass, she felt sick, how could her sweet little angel be feeling this? She was only five! “I’m sorry momma. I love you. I’m sorry I give you so much trouble and take up so much space. I’m sorry, sorry you waste your money and food on me, I wish I could go back in time and give you a better daughter. I’m so sorry mommy, you deserve better.” Olivia pulled her sobbing daughter against her chest, her tears profusely flowing down her face.Olivia held on so tightly to her daughter, the rational side of Olivia’s brain feared that she was hurting Demi, but hurting Demi was the least of her conscious worries. From the words that left Demi’s mouth, Olivia feared her sweet daughter would hurt herself or do the unthinkable, like take her own life, she couldn’t let go, she’d never let go, not even after she got the answers she sought.

“Demi, why are you saying this? Why are you apologizing? This doesn’t even sound like you?” Olivia asked, as her voice trembled with emotion.

“They’re right. I’ll never be Rosie. I’ll never be pretty enough. I’ll never look like daddy, you guys won’t ever love me.” Demi sobbed into her chest.

“They? Whose they? Why would I want you to be Rosie? I already have a Rosie but I’ll never have another you. I’ll never have anyone as sweet, loving, caring, and sincere as you. My Demi. I don’t want you to be anyone else. I just want you to be Demi. My beautiful baby girl.” Demi shook her head.

“Daddy doesn’t love me as much as he loves Rosie. They have matching green eyes. That makes her special, beautiful. And I’m just ugly. I’m ugly & and I’m stupid & I’m fat. I have ugly straight hair, and this stupid ugly buttchin, and boring poop colored eyes,and-and I’m fatter than Rosie, and-"

“No! No, Demi! None of that is true. How long have you felt this way? You shouldn’t keep this bottled up. Why didn’t you come talk to me?”

“I couldn’t! You’re never home. I never get to see you. I miss you all the time. And Daddy spends all his time with Noah and Rosie! And they color and they play outside and Luca is daddy’s twin and attached to his hip, and Lucy is only here to take care of Luca and I just want everyone to love me too, no. I just want someone to love me. I just want to be pretty and smart like Rosie. Funny like Noah. Strong like you.” She wiped her own tears, “They’re right. I have a face that only a mother could love, and maybe not even that.” Her voice lowered, as she recoiled away from her mother’s touch.

“You think I don’t love you?” Olivia pondered. “I love you with every fiber in my being, Demetria Noëlle. I almost died giving birth to you. And I don’t regret a single moment of it. I’d do anything in this world to make you feel better, anything.” She pulled her daughter closer, “Who are they? Whose telling you this stuff? Everyone in this house loves you. Your little brother Luca adores you; don’t tell your siblings but you’re his favorite. Noah would do whatever it takes to protect you. Your twin sister was just downstairs telling me how she has the best sissy in the whole wide world, she couldn’t stop smiling thinking about how much she loves you. Your father and I would go to the ends of the earth for you, to make you feel our love. Do you know what your daddy said to me the night he asked me to marry him?” Olivia placed a long kiss into Demi’s temple, Demi shook her head. "He looked me into my eyes and said, ‘I hope one day you have our child, I know she'll be beautiful because she'll look like you.’ The silence overtook the closet until Demi finally decided to speak up.

“The kids at school, they tell me all the time, that I don’t deserve to be here. You guys hate me and that I’m the mistake. It was supposed to be just Rosie, no one could give birth to Rosie _and actually mean to have me too_. That’s why I got an ugly name like Demetria Noëlle and she got the pretty one, Rosalía Lively..when I told them that I liked my name they told me it makes sense for an ugly girl to like an ugly name.” Demi wrapped her arms around her mother, the quiver in her voice made it evident to her mother that she was fighting back tears. “They told me that Rosie was the favorite by the way daddy looks at her..because she has sparkly green eyes that match his and pretty dark curly hair and that she’s skinny. They laughed when I told them we’re identical except for the eyes and the hair, they told me If I ever want to be like Rosie I have to work out and stop eating, but I kept getting so dizzy on the playground and at the park, Momma. They made me feel so bad for being fat and having three meals a day and snacks when skinny savannah can’t afford to eat. So I started to give Savannah my breakfast and lunch because she needed it more than I do." Olivia didn't think her heart could sink anymore, but somehow it managed. "Every time I look at Rosie I feel bad about myself and I get angry at her for being perfect because I’m not and I never can be. Then I get mad at myself because Rosie didn’t do anything to me but I’m so mad at her all the time! I want to hug her and talk to her all the time but the other half of me gets so sad when I look at her.” Olivia has so much to say, so much to dissect, but she has to start somewhere.

“Demetria. Look at me. _Mirame._ ” Olivia ordered. Demi slowly craned her neck in her mother’s direction. “Do you think mommy is ugly? That she has ugly poop brown eyes? And stupid straight dark hair?” Olivia asked Demi about their shared qualities.

“No, because you’re perfect just like Rosie.” Demi pouted.

“My sweet girl, you look so much like your Mommy. Where do you think you got those chocolate brown puppy dog eyes from? The stupid pin-straight hair that gets a little wavy when it’s humid or it gets wet? My butt chin was so sharp until I was like 38. You look just like you’re Mommy and you don’t even see it. How can I be perfect and you aren’t but you look just like me? How can Rosie be perfect but you think you aren’t when you’re identical twins? It’s okay to not see what I see when I look at you. But do you know what I see when I look into those big brown doe eyes?” Demi shook her head. “I see love. I see hope and determination. I see happiness, I see a reflection of myself. Demi, you are a one of a kind gift to this world. Don’t let some stupid mean kids steal that light away from you. Every day I look at you, I just see a mini-me running around; in personality and in looks; I don’t see that when I look at Rosie because she has those emerald green eyes like her daddy, that you think makes her so different. But you are sooo perfect, I hate to see you think any differently.” Demi sighed.

“Do I really look like you?” Demi’s eyes searched her mother’s for truth. Olivia simply nodded.

“Yes, sooo much,” Olivia emphasized. “Your Daddy was right, my baby girls look like me & they’re _both_ sooo beautiful it hurts.”

“I want to be like daddy too,” Demi mumbled under her breath.

“And you think you aren’t? Who do you think you get that beautiful singing voice from? Your theatrics? Your expansive vocabulary? And the way you express yourself? That’s your dad to a tea. That’s why I fell in love with him in the first place. That’s why I love you too.” She took Demi’s silence as her processing the situation.

“Momma?” Demi shifted in her mother’s lap, leaning her back against her mother’s damp chest.

“Yes, baby girl?”

“Why do the other kids think I’m ugly and fat?” She spoke softly. “Do you think that?”

“Do I think you’re ugly and fat? No. I think you and your sister are the single most beautiful girls I’ve never laid eyes on.” Olivia kissed the top of her head. “You aren’t fat. There is nothing wrong with being fat, but you aren’t. You’re five years old, Demi. You have baby weight because that’s exactly what you are, a baby, a child, my child. You shouldn’t worry about these things, you’re far too young my love. Once you start to grow you’ll see that all this baby weight will go away because it’s just that, baby weight, I promise.”

“I believe you, Momma, thank you.”

“Demi?”

“Yes, Momma?” There was fear laced into in her voice.

“When was the last time you ate? _A real meal_?” Liv was too afraid of the response she may receive, the thudding of her heard picked up speed.

“I dunno." Demi simply shrugged her shoulders in response, 

_'God, they really are twins'_ Olivia thought. 

"I don’t really remember. When I last had breakfast with you?” She responded candidly.

“Demi. That was last week Monday, it’s Friday! It’s never okay to go that long without eating, it’s almost been two weeks! That's why you've been so dizzy on the playground and in the park. Do you know how dangerous that is for your growing body?” Demi shrugged, once again. Olivia sighed, plantings a warm kiss atop of her youngest daughter's head. “Demi you need food to live, for your body to grow, so you can get older.” Olivia felt Demi’s body tense on top of her lap. “Is that not what you want?” Demi shrugged her shoulders once again. “Do you-do you want to die, Demi?” Olivia’s voice betrayed her. Once again her daughter’s only response was just another simple shrug.

"No?" Her response left her mouth as more of a question, the uncertainty in her voice may have been what shook Olivia the most. 

“You want to die and never see mommy again? Never get to see your baby brother grow up? Never get to sing on stage? Or play or dance with your sister ever again? Never get to bake or paint with Noah? Never get to see your daddy be silly on Christmas in his reindeer suit?” Demi lowers her head in shame.

“I don’t want to die, Momma...I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to go to school anymore. The kids are so mean. I’d rather they just hit me.” Demi broke down into a puddle of tears once again, Olivia tried her hardest to keep her tears at bay, wanting to be strong for her daughter.

“I didn’t know the bullying was that bad that you’d rather not be alive instead. I’m so sorry my love that you have to go through any of this. That you had to go through this alone because Momma wasn’t around. I’m going to fix this, I will go through heaven and hell to make sure that you don’t have to go through this again. I’m your mom, I will keep you safe.”

“I’m sorry.” Demi’s apology stained her lips with a frown. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I don’t want Momma to be sad because of me.” Olivia kissed her temple, she hooked her arm around her daughter’s waist, rising to her feet as she made her way out of the coat closet.

“We’re going to have dinner together, okay? You’re gonna eat every bite, okay?” Demi nodded her head without uttering a single refusal. Demi wrapped her legs around Olivia’s waist, her head laid gently against her mother’s shoulder, her arms wrapped tightly around her mother’s neck.

Olivia took a seat a seat at the dinner table with her husband and the rest of her children, Demi still hooked onto her side.

"Dem-Dem!" Luca nearly flipped over his high chair, his excitement quickly turned physically as he bounded up and down at the sight of his, dare he say, _favorite sister._

“Demiiiiiii!” Cheered Rosie, “I missed you!” Rosalía’s face eating grin returned at the sight of her twin sister. Olivia gave Demi a slight nudge, encouraging her to talk to her twin sister. 

“I missed you too, Rosie.” She spoke truthfully.

“You haven’t played with me all week and you don’t talk to me before bed, did I do something to make you mad?” Demi immediately shook her head.

“It’s not you, Rosie..” Rosalía tilts her head to the side, not quite understanding. Demi sighed, not wanting to talk about the bullying again, tears sprang to her eyes as she spoke. “There are some kids at school that are mean to me, and they make me very sad-“

“Who is it!?” Rosie sprang to her feet, standing on the chair.

“Rosalía Lively Barba, get off of the chair right now and have a seat.” Instructed Rafael.

“No! Someone is being mean to sissy! I’ll hurt them all.” Rosie fired back, tears streaming down her perfectly round face.

“Rosalía!” Rafael warned.

“Please don’t cry Rosie, I didn’t mean to make you cry too!” Demi pulled her mother closer.

“Do you see that? Do you see that no matter what, your sister is always in your corner?” Olivia whispered into Demi’s ear, gently stroking her hair. 

“I’m sorry daddy..” Rosie apologized climbing down from her chair, her little feet pattered across the hardwood flooring, she climbed onto her mother’s lap and embraced her weeping sister in a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be continued...


	5. Vulnerabilities Make Us Stronger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia's insecurities bubble to the surface

“Momma?” Demi mumbled onto her mother’s chest.

“Hmm?” Olivia responded.

“I’m not hungry, I’m sleepy, can I just go to bed?” Demi’s head began to bob. Rosalía sat as close as humanly possible to her sister, the two still sat on their mother’s lap. Rosie did not really understand the worry she felt building in her chest but fully comprehended that the worry was there, it was present, and it was because of her sister’s current state-something else she didn’t understand. All Rosie knows, is that she needs to physically touch her sister to quiet the growing worry, as long as her sister was still _here_ , she’d be fine.

“No baby, I know you’re tired but you have to eat. Just like how we talked about before. You’re tired because you haven’t eaten in so long.” Rafael’s eyes darted across the table to his wife. ‘ _We have to talk’_ Olivia’s eyes replied, not doing much to calm the raging sea of emotions and panic brewing in her husband’s mind. “Just a few bites, please?” Demi nodded slowly, too weak and ashamed to spare a glance at the rest of her family.

“You know Demi, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if Momma’s being truthful, I haven’t eaten the past two days either.” Rafael’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. “Can we promise each other something?” Demi looked at her mother wearily, “Let’s promise each other that we’ll take better care of ourselves; eating _every day_ multiple times a day, showering, talking about our days, and how we’re feeling, and more stuff like that?” Olivia outstretched her pinky, her youngest daughter captures her mother’s finger with her own, sealing the deal.

Demi manages to eat a third of her food before complaining of a tummy ache and being sent to lay down upstairs. Rosalía scarfs down her meal so she can run upstairs and keep her sister company.

 _“Neña..Esposita..._ Liv? Olivia.” Rafael calls out across the now empty table. “You’ve barely touched your food. Care to tell me what’s going on? Why are we making deals with our daughter about eating?” _Why you aren’t eating?_ His eyes demanded, but his mouth wouldn’t dare utter.

Olivia’s body shook with silenced sobs, Raf appeared next to his wife’s side almost immediately. Her arms thrown around him, he pulls her close.

“Demi...” Olivia buries her head into her husband’s chest, silencing a soul quacking sob.

“ _Neña,_ talk to me. Please. You’re scaring me.”

“Demi is being bullied. She wishes she was never born, Rafá. She apologized to me for existing. She isn’t sure she wants to be alive right now. She hasn’t eaten a real meal in almost two weeks because the kids at school tell her she’s fat.” Olivia’s grasp on Rafael tighten. “My baby, my poor baby wanted me, and I-I wasn’t there!” She whimpers into his chest. “She thinks we don’t love her! Any of us! But you, especially you. She craves my love but she thinks she has to earn yours. She thinks that you love Rosalía more, that her sister is superior and you love Rosie more because of it.” Liv sniveled, mouth pressed into the base of his neck.

“She thinks I don’t love her?” Raf’s heart shattered by simply posing the question. Olivia avoided her husband’s gaze.

“Liv. I need you to eat. Please. You have to take care of yourself.” Raf spoke after moments of deafening silence. Olivia weakly picked up her spoon, her actions mirroring their youngest daughter perfectly. “She’s so much like you, it must be like looking in a mirror.” He tightens his grip on his wife, having to make sure she’s real. She’s still here.

He couldn’t understand how much his thoughts reflected how similar he is to his eldest daughter; their worry could overtake them if they allowed it.

Halfway through her meal, Liv silently signals she’s done, pushing her plate away as nausea builds in her stomach. She clears the table.

“Liv,” he pleads for his wife’s attention.

“I can’t, Rafa. I can’t eat when my mind is in this state, I’m afraid. My stomach is churning. I just want to hold her. I just need to make sure she’s okay.” Her voice bordering defeated and broken.

“Olivia. She will be okay. She’s your daughter, she will make it through this. She has the strongest woman in the world as her momma. She will be more than okay.” He steps closer to her. His reassurance seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

“I can’t help but feel like I failed her,” Olivia mutters, as she vigorously washes the dishes. “I wasn’t there for her.” She admonished herself. “I was protecting other children when my own needed me. What kind of mother am I?” She scoffed.

“An amazing one!” Rafael speaks up. “You’re an outstanding mother. An amazing woman. The best damn commanding officer the NYPD has ever seen. But your human. You can’t be there for everyone at all times.” Liv through the final cutlery onto the drying rack.

“But my family comes first! Rafa. That was a promise I made, a promise made to each other; when we got married, when you adopted Noah, when we found out I was pregnant when we first held the twins. When I had those two precious little bundles of joy in my arms for the first time...Rafa I made a promise to protect my babies from everything. No pedophiles, no predators, no bullies, no bad parenting, I promised them a family. But they ended up with a barely present mother.” She dropped her forehead against her husband’s chest.

He pulled his wife infinitely closer, placing a warm kiss to the top of her head.

“How can I look in the mirror, without seeing Serena Benson looking back at me?” She muffled into his chest.

“No...” his voice trailed off. “No, Olivia. You are nothing like your mother. Serena Benson put the bottle before her daughter. You _love_ and _cherish_ our children. You don’t put anything before them. Not even me.” He gently reminded his wife.

“She loved me to the best of her ability. But what if, like my mother, my best is not enough for them? Rafa, am I enough to be their mom?”

“Yes! How could you even ask that, momma?” The pattering of little feet caught there attention, his dark blue plaid pajama pants and white t-shirt signified to his parents he came downstairs for a glass of water before bed.

Noah’s sudden presence during insecurity filled conversation, alarmed Olivia. “Mickey Cruz’s mom hits her. Jared Pretto’s mom left his family. Savannah Gutierrez’s mom doesn’t feed her, and Carter Gannon’s mom left him home alone for _three days_ to go find her special pills. She never came back. He got scared because he was cold and hungry and alone and asked the neighbors for water. He never saw his mommy again!” Noah’s face crumbled. “You’re the best mommy on the planet.” He stated matter of factor. “I’m sorry I told you I wanted Lucy to be my mom that time, it’s not true. We never have to see Lucy again. Please don’t leave us, mommy, I don’t want any other mommy but you!” Noah’s bottom lip quivered, Olivia pulled out of her husband’s grasp, dropping to her knees to be eye level with her son.

“Noah,” he threw his arms around his mother’s neck. “Noah, I’m not going anywhere. I’m your mommy forever and no one can ever change that. I promise.” She wrapped her arms around his tiny midriff.

“Not even Grandma Sheila?”

“Not even her.” She reassured him.

“You’re more than enough to be my momma. I love you, momma.”

“I love you too, Noah, so much.” She squeezed him a little tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write as a pass time, sorry if it's horrendous. 
> 
> Someone please tell me if this is horrendous.


	6. We're Going to Get to the Bottom of This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things get worse before they can get better, and where the Barba's are standing is shaky ground.

“Rafa, what are we going to do about that damn school?” Olivia seethes.

“We can go down there and talk to her teacher and the administrators. Let them know we mean business.” Rafael responds sternly, Olivia stops pacing momentarily to give her husband a sideways glance.

“Teachers? Administration? You think they don’t see her being bullied? You think they aren’t just ignoring it while my baby is being tortured.”

“You think admin would ignore blatant bullying? That’s the world’s largest lawsuit-“

“Rafa, not all administrators are like your mom.” She reminds him. “What did the administration do for you when you were being bullied?” She looked intently into his eyes.

“So what do you suggest we do?” He sighs, caving.

“I say, we round all those fuckers up, and I-“

“Olivia! Whatever you’re about to say is probably going to be criminal.”

“Isn’t it great that we’re married? One of the great things covered by the covenant of our marriage.” She pecks his cheek as he rolls his eyes.

“We’re not harming children, Liv.” She groans in response.

“ _We_ don’t have to do anything. _I_ can handle this one on my own,”

“Olivia, I swear if you fight a kid, I’m calling the police _and_ testifying.”

“Good thing your testimony is inadmissible. Mistrial. Get the whole case thrown out.” She winked, playfully. “It’ll be a, "he said, she said," and the he’s are five to eight your olds and I’m a respected and well decorated NYPD Captain.” She smirks.

“He said, she said? There will be bodies, Olivia.”

“Rafa you take all the fun out of protecting my babies.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s your fault if PS 290 burns to the ground this weekend.”

“You are _not_ burning down an elementary school.”

“Stop trying time create witnesses, the kids won’t testify against me, and the neighbors can’t hear you.” She began to walk away. “Also, the fire marshall owes me a few favors.”

“Olivia!” He groans, chasing her out of the room.

— —

“Hey, my little siren.” Rafa leans into the door jam. He watches Demi’s eyes light up at the unexpected attention from her father.

“Hi, Papi!” She sings, the excitement ringing in her voice. She quickly pushes away the book she’d been reading.

His heart broke a little. Had be been neglecting her that much, that a simple nickname made her smile brighter then he’d witnessed in the past few weeks?

“Can we talk, Demi?” A sullen look quickly overtook her once grinning face.

“Did I do somethin' wrong?” She peered to the ground. “I’m sorry.” She muttered.

“Why are you apologizing?” Rafael finally enters the room, crouching down, resting his elbows and forearms on her white, pink, and purple floral butterfly bedding.

“I shoulda known.” She burrows her head into the plush comforter. “If daddy wants to talk to me, I musta done somethin’ wrong.” She mutters into the bedspread, her words sharply pointed at no one but herself.

“Hey, hey, hey. Don’t say that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Why wouldn’t daddy want to talk to you?” She shrugs in response.

“Not as funny as Noah.” She murmurs. “Not as interestin’ as Rosie...nothin’ much in common like you and Luca.” She continues to list under her breath.

“Lumpkins-”

“Don’t call me that!” she snaps, sitting up abruptly. This was a tone he’d never before heard from his daughter.

“Demetria Noële!” Rafael reprimands his daughter out of mere shock rather than her own wrongdoings.

Demi covers her face in her hands, shoving her covered face into her knees. She shrieks into her lap, her muffled screams soon turn into sobs, her whole body begins to shake.

Rafael is shocked by his daughter’s sudden outburst of emotion. Rafael rests his hand on his daughter’s shoulder, it’s as if she collapsed into herself.

“Demi? Demi please talk to me. Can you tell Daddy why you’re crying?” She shook her head furiously.

“I-I ruin everything.” She mumbled. “You _finally_ came to spend time with me and-and I yelled at you. And now you’ll never want to again!” She sobbed into the crease of her elbow.

“Demi, mi chiquilla. You know I love you, right?” Demi pulled her head up, looking her father in his eyes, the saddening look they held broke his heart right in half.

“You’re only talkin’ to me because Momma told you!” The guilt nips away at his conscience. “Just admit it, you hate me. I’m your least favorite.” She recoiled further away from her father’s touch.

It’s true.

Only part of it is true.

He’s here because of the talk he had with Olivia last night. _But_ that doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy talking and spending time with his youngest daughter, the other three are always just _there_ , while Demi is tucked away on her own; reading, writing, drawing, hell even cuddling with her mother.

It’s always been _easier_ with the others.

Noah taught him how to be a father, without all the icky stuff.

Rosalía is his firstborn, his first daughter, the first baby he’d held and soothed, Rosie held a special place in his heart for that sole reason.

Luca is a mini version of himself.

But Demi is an exact replica of her mother. Shouldn’t she be his favorite if that's the case?

Let's make one thing clear, Rafael Barba does _not_ have favorites.

Demi is so independent and headstrong. Demetria Noële Barba doesn’t need anyone to hold her hand.A mirror reflection of her mother.

But even sometimes Olivia needs to be held, someone to bear the weight of the world with. Someone to share the joy _and_ the pain with. Someone to just be there.

Rafael had let his relationship with his youngest daughter fall to the wayside because it didn’t come as easily as the others.

He couldn’t live with that. That just couldn’t do.

“Demi, I love you all equally. I want to spend time with you. I always want to talk to you and do things with you. I love _you_. I love you just as much as the other three, rascals. I’m sorry I don’t make the effort to spend time with you one on one, just me and you. You’re so much like you’re mother, strong, independent, mature, beautiful, and fearless; at times forget you’re only five, and also need your daddy’s love and attention, no matter how much you act like you don’t. I will do better, I promise you.” He pulled Demi in his lap, she leaned her head against his pec as he spoke. “Can you forgive me?” Demi nodded against her father’s chest.

“I love you, Daddy.” Rafael plants a sweet kiss against Demi’s forehead.

“I love you too, baby girl.”

— —

“Hey No,” Liv smiles gently, as she enters his bedroom.

“Momma.” He says squarely, raising a single eyebrow in her direction.

“You’re eight, how are you suspicious of me already?” He beamed brightly at his mother.

“What can I say? I got my Momma’s detective skills.” He shrugged his shoulders.

God, him too? Where were these kids learning their nonchalance from?

“I want to address a comment you made yesterday in Lieu of some pertinent information I stumbled upon, that may pertain to the case at hand-“

“Momma.” Noah cut her off. “I’m _only_ eight. Can you say that in kid English, please?” He tilted his head to the side.

Olivia chuckled, “You said something yesterday, about wanting me to arrest some kids in your class?” Olivia sat on the edge of Noah’s bed, he reactively closed the book he’d been writing in.

He didn’t want to meet his mother’s eyes, he sighed, laying belly down on his bed, knees bent upward as his legs askew in the air. Noah plants his face directly into the bed mumbling.

“Noah, sweet boy. I can’t hear you.” Olivia runs her fingers through his untamed curls.

“There are some kids at school...” Noah’s voice trails off, guilt a prominent undertone in his voice. “They’re mean to Demi. They say really bad things about her behind her back and...” his face finds its way back into the mattress.

“And what, Noah?”

“And I’m the worst older brother ever.” He scolds himself.

“Why do you think you’re the worst older brother ever? I think you’re a pretty great one.” Liv cracks a smile, moving her hand from his lock to his back.

“I-uh, I didn’t say anything to stop them from talking behind her back. I didn’t want them to know I was her brother... I’m not ashamed of her, I just didn’t want them to talk behind my back too! I didn’t know they were being mean to her face too, Momma, I swear.” Noah panicked. Olivia ran her hand gently up and down his back in an attempt to calm him down.

“Noah, no one here is blaming you for anything. You aren’t the one bullying your sister. You don’t say mean or hurtful things to her. You aren’t the one that makes her cry.”

“But I made a promise to you and Papí when I first became a big brother.” Olivia raised an eyebrow. “When I was littler, I promised I would always protect my little sisters from everything I could. But I didn’t. I could’ve stopped this whole thing and I didn’t. That makes me a promise-breaker and a bad brother.” Noah frowns.

“Oh, Noah, don’t think like that. You are _not_ a bad big brother. You’re human, you’re eight, you have lapses of judgment just like everyone else. Demi doesn’t blame you for what’s been happening to her, not at all. She loves her older brother so much. Don’t ever doubt that, okay?” Noah rolls onto his side, looking up at his mother, nodding slightly.

“I still feel guilty. I feel like I _have_ to do something to make her feel better!” Noah sits up, looking up at his mom with pleading eyes.

“How about, we make her favorite lunch, after lunch, we make her favorite dessert, and watch her favorite show on the couchwith the whole family!” Noah nods enthusiastically.

“But you know Momma,” Noah smirks, “Demi loves her banana splits with _strawberry_ ice cream just like you do! Cause she’s just like you, Momma.” Olivia rolls her eyes.

“You’re right, if we really want Demi to feel better she can have some of my special strawberry ice cream. But _only_ Demi gets the ice cream, no one else, got it?” Noah giggled.

“I got it, Momma!”

“I swear, you just said you were gonna be a detective like me, but somehow you’re negotiating like your Papí.” Olivia ruffled his hair.

“I can do both!” Noah springs to his feet, pulling his mom with him as they embark on their journey to the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be weekend family fluff...I just have to write it first. I have chapter seven completed already though, lol.   
> I have a lot prepared and drafted for this story, along with the other story I just started called, 'Everytime' you all should go check it out.   
> I really love and appreciate kudos, reviews, feedback, and comments.   
> Thank you all for reading!
> 
> Rest in Peace Kobe & Gianna Bryant.


	7. The Peace Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot giggling, talk of ice cream, and then blissful silence. The Barba's find joy in just being together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, this is an uneventful filler, some fluff!

After completely making a mess of her once sterile kitchen, Olivia plates the food, sets the table, and cleans the kitchen until it’s spotless with the help of Noah; Olivia beckons her family to meet for lunch.

“BARBA’S ASSEMBLE!” Noah calls, running up the stairs.

Olivia can’t help but release the laugh bubbling in her at her son’s choice of words.

Rosalía and Noah race down the stairs in a fit of giggles, they unconsciously take their preferred seats, jokingly arguing over, whatever it is that siblings at this age bicker over.

“Hm, aren’t we missing three of six Barba’s?” Just as Olivia was moving toward the stairs, she saw her husband with their two youngest children; Demi’s knees digging into his waist, arms wrapped around his neck, body pressed into his back as she throws her head back laughing. Luca’s small frame wrapped snugly around his father’s right leg, holding on for dear life as Rafael descended the stairs.

“MOMMY!” Luca rejoiced, hopping off if his father’s leg and straight into his mother’s arms.

“How was your nap, bubba?” Luca melted in his Mother’s embrace.

“Was good, Momma! But I’m soooo hungwy!” He exclaims.

“That’s good, bubba because we made lunch and we’re having dessert after!” Luca smiled.

“Demi, you eat wif me?” Luca cheered, clapping his hands happily.

“I’m not that hungry, Lukey.”

“Demi,” Olivia says softly, trying to mask the disappointment in her voice, shooting her a glance, that screamed, _remember the deal we made?_ “We made your favorites...Costilla de Cerdo con Salsa de BBQ and maduros.”

“Demi, didn’t I hear your tummy rumbling earlier?” Rafael raised an eyebrow, not that she could see the look on his face. Demi tucked her head into the crook of her father’s neck, too ashamed to look her mother in the eyes.

“Demi, you’re brother worked _really_ hard to make this meal for you. He even convinced me to let us have banana splits for dessert! And it's _only_ lunchtime,” Olivia attempts to persuade.

Funny. _Persuade_.

As if Demi had the option to eat or not.

She is _going_ to eat.

But Olivia likes to let her children think they’re making their own decisions.

“Okay,” Demi mumbles against her dad’s skin.

“I sit next to Dem Dem?” Luca bounced in anticipation.

“That’s for you and Rosalía to duke out, Bubba. Momma can’t help you there.” Olivia places Luca in his high chair.

“Demi!” Rosie jumps to her feet.

“Rosie!” Demi slid off of her father’s back, running toward her sister engulfing each other in a bone-crushing hug.

“Don’t you guys share a room or something?” Noah rolls his eyes.

“Noah they’re twins, it’s different for them.”

“But Papí is been like two hours, _not_ days.”

“For them being apart for two hours is like when Eddie the Elephant needs to be washed but mommy gets called away to go to work and she doesn’t get around to washing Eddie for a full week.”

“Ohhh,” Noah nods his head.

Olivia scoffs, shaking her head in mock judgment.

“I don’t understand why Papì can’t just wash Eddie when Momma is busy.” She tilts her head.

“Because Papì can’t do it right, not like how you do,” Noah cups the side of his mouth whispering to his mother, to spare his father’s feelings.

“I just want to say, Noah, I heard that. But I will not argue. No one does laundry as good as, Momma.” Rafael smirks before he takes a sip of his water.

 _‘I will divorce you.’_ Olivia mouths to her husband.

Rafael chokes on his water, fighting off the laugh working it’s way to the surface, shooting his wife a knowing glance.

“I sit next to Demi now?” Luca exasperates.

“Why? Is sitting next to Mommy not good enough?” Olivia teases.

“No,” Luca responds, unknowingly shrugging his shoulders.

“I think I’m enforcing a shrug ban in this family.” Olivia sits up straight, slightly offended by her son’s response.

“I’m sittin’ next to Demi,” Rosie states simply. “So you can’t cause I’m already here.” She hesitantly shrugs.

“We can share a seat, Rosie! Then Luca can sit next to me and Mommy.” Demi grins at her genius plan, a maduro in hand.

“Good plan, Demi!” Rosie cheered as if Demi just pitched the solution for world peace.

“I don’t think we need to share chairs, there’s enough room for all of us at the table.” Rafael protests.

Olivia joins the dark side, shrugging her shoulders. She grins. Maybe she understands the hype behind shrugging after all. She shuffles to move Luca’s high chair next to Demi and Rosie’s shared seat.

“I mean, they shared a womb. Is sharing a chair really that odd when you think about it?” Olivia moves the chair Demi initially occupied out of the way as the twins giggled situating themselves into their seat, sharing the maduro Demi held onto.

 _‘Really?’_ Raf asked silently, with a single look at his wife.

 _‘At least she’s eating and happy,’_ Olivia grinned back.

The family ate their lunch uneventfully. There was a lot of giggling between Rosie, Demi, and Luca. Noah had been enthralled by a story his parents were detailing about the day they first met and their first date.

“Ice cweam!” Luca cheers as his mom slices the bananas in half, Noah pulls down the toppings, and Rafael grabs the tubs of ice cream, bowls, and utensils. “Wosie! Papì got the wocky ice cweam!” Olivia melts at her son’s trouble pronouncing the ‘R’ sound.

“Actually your mom bought the _Rocky Road ice cream,”_ Obviously Rafa wasn’t too fond. “She wanted to make sure you two little monsters stay away from her precious strawberry ice cream!” He teased.

“You’re damn right,” Olivia smirked, as she perfected the identical bowls of strawberry banana splits adorned with sliced almonds, shredded coconut, and a chocolate sauce drizzle.

“Looks yummy, Momma!” Demi compliments as she gently runs her fingers through Rosie’s curls.

“Good, because this one is yours!” Demi’s eyed lit up. It’s as if she’d forgotten all about her refusal to eat.

“Really? For me? I get to have some of your strawberry ice cream?” Demi felt honored, she _finally_ felt like she was special. Special enough to have some of her mom’s favorite ice cream, at that.

“Yes, now hurry! We have a Halloween Town marathon to watch,” Olivia handed Demi her bowl as Noah and Rosie worked on dressing their own banana splits.

Rafael grabbed a bib, securing it around Luca’s neck before scooping the bundle of overexcited joy into his arms; he reached for both their bowls and started to move toward the reclining part of the sectional couch, reserving the space extended lounge for him and Olivia.

Rafael sat up against the bend of the couch with his legs spread slightly apart, just enough for Olivia to perfectly wedge herself between his legs, pressing her back into his chest, every once in a while he'd make his wife crane her neck in his direction, stealing a sweet strawberry accented kiss.

To the left of the couple, Rosalía laid diagonally across the loveseat section on of the sectional, her head resting in Demi’s lap as Demi continues to play in her hair.

Noah sat to Demi’s right, his knees pressed into his chest, Luca pressed into his right side, snuggling with his big brother as the movies draw on.

The family found peace in simply being together, no word needed, not a single utterance was spoken; they were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone, listen to "Anyone" by Demi Lovato. The song moved me to tears, I highly recommend. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, feedback, share! Always appreciated around here :)


	8. Braving the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfortune strikes the Barba family; love and strength are the only things holding them together. Oh, yeah...and bravery.

“Okay, full disclosure. You guys know I never use my phone during lecture but my wife and I are dealing with my daughter’s school, so I’m going to keep my phone on, on vibrate, and on my person throughout the lecture. So sorry, if I’m distracted today.” Rafael extends a courteous apology.

“Good Morning class! I hope everyone is ready for the next few weeks because we’ll be reviewing case law, the history and legitimacy of the death penalty, and the right to die.” Rafael opens up his slideshow, and steps down from the limelight as he usually did, finding it easier to lecture, gage the classroom, and engage with students while he moves around.

“So does everyone here know the bill of rights?” The class unanimously agrees. “For extra credit, before I dive into the content for today, tell me which amendments truly constitutes our bill of rights.” Three hands enthusiastically rise. “Okay, since there are three hands I’ll ask three questions for everyone to have a shot.” Rafael’s phone vibrates in his pocket, he ignores it. “Question one, for...Chelsea. What are the amendments that constitute our bill of rights? Question two, for Angelica...what are the most important bill of rights in regards to the death penalty? And Question three for Forrest, what amendment or amendments allowed for the death penalty to be constitutionally challenged?” The dull buzz in his pocket is back again, Rafael decides to rest hisphone face down on the podium at the front of the class, as he approaches his student to hear their responses.”

“First amendment freedom of speech, second amendment the right to bear arms, Fourth amendment searches and seizures, Fifth amendment dual process and Miranda rights, Sixth amendment fair, impartial, and speedy trial also double jeopardy, Eighth amendment cruel and unusual punishment, and excessive bond or bail, and lastly the Fourteenth amendment which is practically the Equal Protection Clause **.”** Chelsea almost mindlessly rattles off.

“You’ll make a powerful prosecutor one day, Chelsea.” The class laughs lowly, recognizing their professor’s petulant attitude for defense attorneys, even though every semester he brings in his best friend, Rita Calhoun, to give a lecture on “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness;” i.e., the rights of the accused; client-attorney privilege; and why defense attorneys are necessary for a fair and impartial judicial system.

“I want to be like the great EADA, Rafael Barba,” She smirks.

“Hm, word to the wise. Don’t marry the commanding officer of the unit you’re assigned to, that really doesn’t bode well when running for the DA’s position. Even when you have the highest conviction rate in the Borough, they’ll call into question every case you’ve ever tried together.” Rafael shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. “And they say, those who can’t do, teach!” A laugh bubbles out of him and the rest of the class joins in soon after.

“Angelica, I believe you were next,” Rafael brings the lecture back into focus after the laughs die down a bit.

“Oh, yes. The Fifth, Sixth, and Eighth amendments.” She responds short, sweet, and to the point; the opposite of her twin sister’s response prior.

“Don’t we love when our class twins are in sync with the correct information?” Rafael smiles, Chelsea and Angelica remind him of his own twins at home; how they could be identical but have such vastly differing personalities. “Now, Forrest, bring your family honor and bring us home!” Rafael jests, the twin’s little brother.

“The fifth, sixth, eighth, and fourteenth amendments. The first constitutional challenge of the death penalty came from the Quakers. The original constitution wrote the Eighth Amendment as, “Cruel or Unusual Punishment,” the Quakers saw this phrasing as “mutually exclusive” and not “necessarily accompanying” as the forefathers thought. To fight the constitutional challenge, states changed or to and.” Rafael nodded like a proud Father.

“Thank you, Forrest. You’ve beautifully segwayed me into my starting point, Legal Legitimacy & History of the death penalty. In the beginning, there was the death penalty, and it wasn’t challenged-“ Rafael’s spiel was interrupted by a timid voice.

“Professor Barba?”

“Yes, Lilyana? Sorry, I didn’t see your hand. Do you have a question.”

“Um, no. Your phone has been flashing for the past five or so minutes.” Rafael’s eyes widened.

“Dios Mio! Thank you Lilyana!” Rafael took large steps toward the podium in the front of the classroom.

 _Six_ missed calls from Olivia.

 _Eleven_ text messages.

 _Only one_ stood out to him.

_Rafa, I know you’re in class but, Demi’s in the hospital. Please call as soon as you can. She’s hysterical because I’m hysterical. I need to hear your voice. I need you to calm me down. Rosie is a mess and Noah won’t speak. I can’t do this alone._

“I-I-class is adjourned.” Rafael panicked, quickly collecting all his belongings.

“Is everything okay, professor?”

“No, Emmanuel, it’s not. My daughter is in the hospital. I will see you all Wednesday or maybe next week. I will let you all know via class announcements on canvas.” And with that, he left.

**——**

“Olivia!” Rafael called, charging down the hallway.

Olivia immediately melted into his arms, muffling her sobs with his chest.

“Liv, what happened?” Rafael’s eyes watered, the tears he refused to let fall as he drove straight from NYU Law to Mercy General, flowing prolifically against his will.

“They dragged my baby out to the far end of the playground by the fence Rafa...” Liv manages to mumble. “She was kicking and screaming, trying to fight them off. They roughed her up, pushed her against the gate, and pelted her with rocks. If it wasn’t for Noah...” She tightens the grip she has around her husband’s neck. “They could’ve killed her, they could’ve killed my baby, Rafa. _My baby_.” Rafael sits down in the chair directly facing his daughter’s room, pulling his wife down with him. He pulls Olivia onto his lap, kissing the top of her head, gently rocking them back and forth.

He peered into the big glass window, allowing him to see into Demi’s room. Demi laid there weakly, bruises, cuts, stitches, and IVs wrapped around her delicate tanned skin. A sight he could barely handle, _his baby girl,_ looking so _broken_. _So defeated._

Demi laid there completely entangled with her sister, Rosie’s head resting upon her chest, tears profusely falling from both their eyes. Their fingers intertwined, in search for a semblance of closeness as they both laid under the hospital blanket.

Noah sat at the edge of the bed, where he’d lowered the barricade so he could be closer to his sister. He gently wiped her tears away as they fell, sweetly kissing her bruises and cuts every once in a while, as if it were to remind him that she was alright.

 _His sister is here, she is alive._

The look on his face screamed he’d do anything in his power to protect her.

Rafael tried to be strong, but the image laid in front of him, dragged the tears out of him. His heart hurt but it also swelled with love, looking at three of his four children loving and taking care of each other in a time of need.

**——**

“Babe?” Rafael groaned, stretching his limbs out on the two-seater couch the couple slept on in Demi’s hospital room. Rafael initially sat down to post announcements canceling his classes and office hours for the rest of the week, before he knew it he had a lap full of Olivia. She fell asleep on his chest, he soon followed behind her.

“Hmm?” Olivia hummed, never opening her eyes. Rafael took a moment to drink up his wife’s beauty.

She is so strong. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and makes it through to the other side each and every time.

What did he do to deserve her?

Hell, how did he manage to bag Olivia Benson?

The silence causes Olivia to open her eyes, leaning her head up from being pressed into his chest, she peers at him through her eyelashes. Rafael feels temporarily saddened by the loss of the warmth and feel of her cheek against his chest, blinking the remaining sleep and delirium from his eyes, he remembers why he woke her in the first place.

“Livvie, my mom picked Luca up from daycare. She wants to know if we want him here with us or if she should take him back to the Bronx with her?” Rafael asks her, kissing her temple. She turned to him, kissing his lips lightly.

“I know he’ll be safe with her...but I want him here with us. I don’t think I’ll be able to let my babies out of my sight for the next week. We almost lost her-“ She chokes up, unable to verbally express the thought.

“It’s okay baby, I understand. I’m sure she’ll understand too,” he pulls his wife closer. “I think she wanted you to answer her that way, give her an excuse to come see her grandbabies, especially now.” Olivia nods, unbuttoning the top four buttons of his shirt, _needing_ to feel his skin against hers.

“Lucia Barba is probably on her way already, just extending you the courtesy of making the right decision.” He chuckled as she shuffles on the couch, pressing her back into his front side. She sighs, looking over at her sleeping children. They all looked so peaceful tangled together on the hospital bed. “Am I being selfish? Wanting Luca here? He’ll probably react badly, seeing Demi in that state. I don’t want to scar him. But I just need to see them all in one place, I have this compulsion to physically have eyes on them.” She spoke lightly, not wanting to wake their kids.

“No, Olivia. Never. You’ve never been selfish a day in your life. Even when you deserve it, you put everyone else first.”

“Then why do I feel so much guilt? I didn’t even notice that my five-year-old was depressed, Rafi. I didn’t see she was being bullied because I‘m always at work. Now I’m even questioning if I should let them be asleep at five in the afternoon.” Tears slowly, cascade down her cheeks.

“Liv, I’m worried about you...you’ve been letting this mom guilt consume you lately.”

“And I’m scared to death that I’m only holding on by a very thin thread.” Rafael’s breath hitched in his throat.

“Liv?” His voice sounded desperate, “Please talk to me.” His eyes began to moisten.

 _I can’t do this without you._ His mind screamed, but his vocal cords wouldn’t produce the words.

“Rafa-I-I don’t know what to say. I’d never-“ She bit her bottom lip, “I can’t see myself coming back from this, Rafa-I just can’t.” She burrowed closer into her husband’s intoxicating warmth.

“I can’t-I can’t do this without you, Liv. I don’t want to push any more pressure on you but I never saw myself married, creating life, raising kids, and building a family. Never without you. I can’t do this alone...I think we need to book you an appointment with Dr. Lindstorm, you have too much on your plate and you stopped taking care of yourself.”

“Raf, I’m sorry, I would never-please don’t think I’d ever-“

“No, I don’t think you’d ever take your own life...but I don’t want you to get to that place ever again. I can’t watch you fall into depression and shutting me out again,” Rafael bit his tongue, not wanting to mention the self-harming phase she’d gone through after William Lewis. “You should see Lindstrom for your own personal reasons, not because I’m making you.”

“I love you, Rafael. Till death do us part. I’m gonna make an appointment, I will, I promise. There are a lot of people who depend on me to be of a sound mind. But I really need to be there for myself, most importantly.”

“Do you remember your take on positive affirmations when you were pregnant with the twins? How you’d wake up every morning, after finding out you were pregnant and for 36 weeks straight you’d look in the mirror and sing to yourself and to our girls?” A small smile crept on Olivia’s face. “What was the song? I remember you’d dance to in your bra and undies in the mirror.”

“Brave,” Olivia responds, beaming from ear to ear.

“I wasn't ready, to be honest, I know I owe it to myself, so from that day I made a promise, I get up every time I fail. I'm brave. I'm brave, even when the fear is staring in my face, I’m brave.” Rafael sings a slower quiet version in his wife’s ear, “Some things might get in my way but I know I'll be okay. I will stand here all the same. I'm brave.”

Olivia’s tears intensify. Rafael wraps his arms snuggly around his wife’s waist, “That is the women I see every time I close my eyes, Olivia. You are the bravest woman I know, and I know sometimes you feel weak, but you always get back up again, no matter what and that’s what I love about you.”

“Thank you, Rafa. Thank you.” Olivia rotates her body, the top of her nose pressed into the exposed flesh of her husband’s chest. Rafael rests his chin on the top of Olivia’s head.

Rafael focuses his eyes on the rise and fall of his daughter’s chest, this had to be maybe the hundredth time he checked to reassure himself she was still breathing.

The couple slowly drifts into a much-needed slumber, wrapped in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave feedback and suggestions!


	9. Saint Nobody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia second-guesses the roles she plays in life. Captain Olivia Benson vs Olivia Margret Benson-Barba, mother of four, when it comes down to it, will she have to choose?

“Benson,” Olivia answers the phone, without checking the caller ID, something she has grown accustomed to.

“Mrs. Barba?”

“Oh yes this is she,” Olivia sits up straight, this has been her first day back to work since Demi’s attack. She wasn’t scheduled to return to her office for another week and a half, but here she is sitting in her office due to a work emergency. An emergency, which her Sergeant Tutuola could’ve handled on his own. But the brass wanted her, they wanted the woman they’d promoted to Captain, six months prior, to handle the situation. So here she sat, filling out mindless paperwork as her daughter lays in bed, traumatized, trembling, begging for her mother to hold her until the headaches and anxiety to subside. How do you explain to your five-year-old that somethings come _before them_ and _their pain_ as their mother? She could barely look Demi in the eyes, she can still feel Demi’s quivering fingers holding onto her wrist for dear life. Her daughter’s broken voice pleading for her mother not to leave her in her time of need. Olivia can’t shake the memory burned into her mind.

“Good morning, this is Dr. Cas, your children’s psychologist. I’m calling about your daughter, Demetria.” The therapist’s voice bringing Olivia back to reality.

“Oh, yes, yes, good morning Dr. Cas?” Olivia’s voice trailed off, wondering why her children’s therapist was calling her at 11 in the morning.

“As you know, I’ve been seeing your children for the last three days, in both group and singular sessions. I’ve completed my assessment and wanted to brief you on my findings.”

“Yes, please do.” Olivia nods her head, pulling the phone closer to her ear as she moves to close her office door.

“Well, I’ve found that while Rosalía is slightly shaken up, she should be fine after a few sessions; she’s finding it hard to believe that anyone could want to hurt her sister, much less carrying out the act, and the mere thought of how she could’ve lost her sister sends her into hysteria. I have a few suggestions, homework actually. Rosalía needs quality time with her sister. She needs to see, to hear, to feel, to touch, to truly comprehend that her sister is present and alive. This can become difficult because the girls are twins, they share a _much_ deeper and closer bond, losing Demetria feels as if Rosalía is losing a part of herself. I need you, the parent to stay on top of and monitor the girls interaction-we want them to realize they have each other but we don’t want them to become codependent; they still have to be able to exist as two separate entities.”

“I understand, completely. My husband and I will be on top of this. And our other kids? How are they?” Olivia bites the inside of her cheek, a habit she partakes in when nervous.

“Noah night take a little more work. He isn’t as affected as Rosalía, but he may not revert back to his usual self until he sees Demetria doing better. Noah feels an immense amount of guilt. He holds himself accountable and the only thing that can remedy these thoughts is to see that once again, Demetria is fine. He needs to see that she is not upset with him or at him for allowing this to happen to her. But Demetria is not in the right frame of mind to take the pressure and guilt away from anyone else but herself. Noah is high functioning, but he may retreat into isolationism if he becomes too consumed by his own guilt.”

“Dr. Cas, is there anything I could’ve done to prevent this? Anything I can do better moving forward?” Olivia’s voice sounds borderline desperate.

“Mrs. Barba.” Dr. Cas speaks authoritatively. “You haven’t done anything wrong, this isn’t about what you did or couldn’t do, this was something completely out of your hands. Your children cherish you. You and their father are the best parents they could ever ask for, do not beat yourself up over this. You have provided those children with every necessity and desire they have ever had in life, without spoiling them. You already have exactly what they need; keep loving them, keep raising them, keep being there for them, but most importantly keep on keeping on, because they need you.” Olivia nodded her head, allowing the few tears to fall.

“I-I will-I will.” Olivia nervously stumbling over her words, reassuring herself.

“I usually arrange to have these conversations in person, but I understand you are a very busy Captain with the NYPD.”

“Dr. Cas, how considerate of you, but unless I’m being held hostage there is no situation in which I’m too busy to assure the best for my children.” Olivia swallows thickly.

“Oh, Mrs. Barba-I wasn’t trying to make any assumptions by saying-“

“It’s okay, Dr. Cas. I understand, but please call me Olivia, Mrs. Barba is my mother in law.” Olivia quips.

“I’m sorry, Olivia.” Dr. Cas hesitates, wanting her apology to seem sincere. “I am concerned about, Demetria. She isn’t responding well to our one on one sessions. But she appears to be holding it together in the group session with her siblings. I got very few things out of her, 1) she doesn’t like to be called Demetria anymore, it’s a trigger. 2) There are very few people who she trusts. 3) There are somethings she is dying to get off of her chest but doesn’t have the validation she needs to know she can trust me. I believe if I can earn the validation from the single person she trusts the most then we can finally unpack her issues below the surface level.”

“Who? If you're allowed to disclose that information, I can have their contact information sent right over to you!” Olivia reassures.

“Oh, Mrs. Barb-Olivia. It’s _you_. That’s why I called you primarily and not a conference call with your husband.” Dr. Cas speaks softly.

“Me? Are you sure?”

“Positive. Demetria reassured me many times in our few and brief meetings together, that she can tell you _anything_ _in the whole wide world and her momma will always be there for her. Always and in all ways.”_ Olivia teared up, “I was hoping, if you had the time today maybe you could sit in on a session, I know she wasn’t scheduled for any sessions today, but I think you may be the key to the breakthrough I’ve been waiting on. If you can’t make it today I’ll understand, I have an appointment for next week Thursday-“

“I can make it.” Olivia cuts Dr. Cas off. “What time today?”

“I’m open for the next two and a half hours. Please come in as soon as you can, I’ll see you when you come in.”

Olivia and Dr. Cas exchange pleasantries one last time before ending the call. Olivia stands up, packing up her desk, and finding her personal belongings to carry with her out of the office.

“Where ya goin’ Liv? Takin’ a half-day?” Fin lifts his eyebrow at his long time friend. “The chief okay with that?” He asks wearily. ****

“I don’t know, Fin,” she quips, “I didn’t check with him. I take leave for two weeks to take care of my daughter and on day three I’m called into the office? What kind of shit is that, I’m no one’s lap dog.” Olivia snaps indirectly.

“I feel you, Liv, I really do, but I don’t want you to get in any trouble.” Fin squeezes her shoulder, she releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“I know Fin, I know. This isn’t on you. I know you’re perfectly capable of being interim commanding officer, you could’ve handled this yourself, but the powers that be insisted on calling me in any way.” Fin’s gaze softened her anger slightly. “I had to give my five-year-old daughter a pill to calm her down because the only way I can get her to sleep is by holding her. And when the phone started to ring, she started to sob, she begged me to stay, she clung onto me as if I‘m her lifeline and I hadn’t even looked at the phone yet to see who was calling. I can’t keep being a part-time mother to my children, _they need me_. These other people here, they have you, they have Rollins, and Kat. I’m the _only_ mother, my kids have. I can’t possibly keep pushing them to the side.”

“And I’m not tellin’ ya to. You should never have to make that decision. I’ll deal with the chief and 1PP, and whatever shit storm comes raining down on me, don’t worry ‘bout that, I got it. Go be with your family, make sure they’re alright. I’ll be over to see y’all soon.” Olivia hugged her second in command and close friend.

“Thank you, Fin.” She says softly, he nods in response. She begins making way back home.

**——**

When Olivia finally makes it back home, she heads straight into her daughters’ room. She finds Demi laying in bed, staring blankly at the wall.

“Demi?” Liv calls out. Demi slowly stares at the wall, her eyes widen slightly, and a ghost of a smile lingers on her face.

“Momma,” Demi’s voice barely sounds above a whisper.

“The medicine Momma gave you earlier made you tired?” Demi nods groggily. “Well let’s get you up, showered, fed, and into some clothes. We’re gonna go see Dr. Cas!” Olivia attempts to brighten the mood.

“Who?”

“You know the nice doctor lady you’ve been speaking to this week. Miss Evelyn Cas,” Olivia reminds her daughter.

“Ohh...” Demi’s voice trails off, she lifts her arms weakly for her mother to lift her out of the bed. “Momma, Papí gave me a sandwich. I’m not hungry. Is that okay?”

“Hm, it depends when Papí gave you a sandwich.” Demi shrugs her shoulders, the medication didn’t allow her to be very aware of her surroundings, she had no idea when she ate, barely remembered that she ate.

Demi allows her mother to take over, Olivia strips her daughter, gives her a bath, washing her hair, cleaning her stitches and redressing them. Once she has Demi out of the tub, she dries her off, picks out her outfit, lazily styles her hair, dresses her, and gets her a snack before loading her into the car.

Olivia checks in with her husband and three other children before heading out with Demi.

“Demi’s psychologist called, she wants to have a session where I sit in, I’ll be back soon-before dinner!” Olivia plants a wet one on her husband before taking Demi’s hand and getting into the car.

**——**

“Demi, baby girl. We’re here.” Demi polished off her apple slices and goldfish during the ride. She sat, more attentive than before, sipping her water, the snack helped her shake the grogginess.

Once the mother-daughter duo made it inside they saw Dr. Cas waiting for them in the lobby.

“Hi, Ms. Evie,” Demi said unenthusiastically.

“Hi Demi, how are you today?” The therapist asks as she leads the duo into the room.

“Better, now that my mommy is back,” Demi spoke flatly.

“You sound tired? Are you tired?” Demi shook her head.

“The pill Momma gave me made sleepy, but I musta been sleep the whole day because Momma came home from workand I was just lookin’ at the wall, but I don’t really know what I was thinkin’ about.” Dr. Cas raises a single eyebrow, Olivia grew alarmed, not understanding what Dr. Cas was confused over.

‘She doesn’t usually speak this much,’ Dr. Cas mouths to Olivia.

Olivia was shocked, did her presence really make that much of a difference? Or was it the medication?

“I’m glad you’re feeling so open and sharing today, I’m glad you came in!” Dr. Cas chirps.

“I’ll go anywhere with Momma, I’m so glad she came home, she’s usually gone for a long time.” Demi melts into her mother’s side.

“So how was your day today? Other than sleeping of course.”

“After Momma left, Papí put me in his and Momma’s bed where we all took a nap together, Rosie was holding me real tight. Luca wanted me to play with him but I felt real bad ‘cause I was too tired to play with him and that made him sad. Papí took Luca out the room when he started to cry and Noah laid with me some more while Rosie played in my hair. Today was good, I just wish Momma was there too and that I wasn’t so tired.” Dr. Cas smiled.

Dr. Cas and Demi spoke about little things and bigger things for about twenty more minutes, Olivia simply sat there and listened, never uttering a word of not spoken to.

Demi naturally warmed up to her therapist, now it was Dr. Cas’s turn to go on for the kill.

“Yesterday when we spoke you told me that you kept having strange thoughts. Do you want to tell me what those thoughts were?” Demi shook her head, she grabbed her mother’s hand in panic.

“I don’t want Momma to be sad again.” Olivia squeezes her daughter's hand to let her know that she’ll be okay.

“You remember you can tell me anything in the whole wide world, baby.” Demi sighs at her mother’s reminder.

“I think about dying every day...” Demi held onto her mother’s hand tightly.

“Oh, Demi, that’s not a thought you should be keeping to yourself.” Dr. Cas sends and empathetic glance towards mother and daughter.

“I’m sorry, Momma. I was tryin’ so hard to stop thinkin’ like that but the thoughts won’t leave my head.” Demi pulled her mother a hug, Olivia clutched onto her daughter tightly, pulling her onto her lap.

“What kind of thoughts are they, Demi? Can you describe them to me?” Dr. Cas pushes a little for information.

“I always see myself back at the gate, the kids kickin’, swingin’, hittin’, throwin’ rocks but this time Noah doesn’t make it to me in time and I die there at the gate and no one comes for me, _ever_ ,” Demi stresses the ever. “Savannah told me that if I’m a good girl I'll go to heaven, that’s a good place. But if I’m bad then l I’ll go to _hell_ , a really _really_ bad place. But I think, can any place be worse than _here_ where the kids are really mean to me?” Olivia sighs a half sigh of relief.

Olivia did not feel a semblance of relief at the fact that her daughter was riddled by nightmares, but it is certainly easier to exhale knowing her daughter's all-consuming thoughts of death and dying did not stem from her contemplating ending her own life.

Why couldn’t things just be _easier_ for her children?

Why did _her_ daughter have to get bullied?

What the _hell_ did those kids have to pick on her daughter about?

“That’s a pretty good question you asked there, Demi.” Demi guiltily glances over at her mother.

"When I was really scared out there, I thought I was going to die, the only thing I could hear in my head over and over again was, ' _Bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús._ _Santa María, Madre de Dios_ _Ruega por nosotros, pecadores._ _Ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte._ _Amén.'_ My Abuelita taught me that when I first learned Spanish. I remember I first asked God to send anyone to save me and I would be a good girl for the rest of my life, but then...why get them to stop if they'll just do it again the next day, and the next day, and the day after that until I'm finally gone," Demi sighed deeply, "So I just kept repeating the hail mary, hoping God could hear me." Demi mutters the last part, only audible to her mother. 

“Demi, you know your mom is not going to let those kids hurt you again. You don’t have to worry about going through that ever again. Those kids are going away and can never hurt you again.” Demi nodded solemnly.

"I know someone's got it worse so I don't complain. I have my family, I'm still here, and I have my Momma, a lot of people don't have that." Olivia wraps her arm around Demi’s waist, she uses her free arm to run her fingers through Demi’s wavy tendrils.

It all made sense now, why Demi couldn’t sleep without being held, why she always woke up in a panic, why she’d clung onto her mother as if it were life and death. The pieces were all aligning now, she couldn’t thank Dr. Cas enough for asking her to sit in on their session, she developed a deeper understanding of her daughters mental grandstanding; Demi felt alone, abandoned, under attack whenever she was left alone with her thoughts.

Olivia finally felt as if she was enough; enough to help her daughter through this storm, she carried the tools she needed inside of her, enough in a sense that she finally saw herself as the mother her children needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús  
> Santa María, Madre de Dios  
> Ruega por nosotros, pecadores  
> Ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte  
> Amén
> 
> =
> 
> Blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus  
> Holy Mary, mother of God  
> Pray for us sinners  
> Now and at the hour of our death  
> Amen
> 
> It is a recited Catholic prayer called ‘'Hail Mary."
> 
> Happy birthday, Olivia Benson!
> 
> Comments, feedback, and Kudos are always appreciated!


	10. Tú

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything that comes I ask for  
> In every infinite moment  
> I'm looking for what you hide  
> You tell me where
> 
> Everything that happens is relative  
> But, every time I am with you  
> The time stops  
> And disappears
> 
> And you give me everything else  
> I want to be where you are  
> Love is you  
> Only you
> 
> And you give me everything else  
> I want to be where you are  
> Love is you  
> No one's like you
> 
> Everything a single kiss says  
> It makes the universe surrender  
> How the gods do  
> At nightfall
> 
> Why run if there is no hurry  
> If every time we are together  
> The time stops  
> And disappears
> 
> And you give me everything else  
> I want to be where you are  
> Love is you  
> Only you
> 
> And you give me everything else  
> I want to be where you are  
> Love is you  
> No one's like you
> 
> I don't need anything else  
> If the hardest thing is to find,  
> I found it with you
> 
> I don't need anything else  
> If the hardest thing is to find,  
> I found it with you  
> And no one else
> 
> (Translation of the song that's used in the chapter and is inspired by)  
> Tú by Maye

Olivia sighs, today is the first day her children return to school, to say her anxiety levels are through the roof would be an understatement.

It’s been a mere hour and fifteen minutes since Olivia arrived home from taking her children to school elementary and preschool, with her phone on ring and on her person at all times, she’s on high alert. There hasn’t been a single notification all day, this an odd occurrence for Olivia, there was _always_ something or someone that requires her attention.

But today, the one day she needed the distraction-nothing.

Olivia-left alone with nothing but her thoughts and anxiety attempts to work on her breathing, thinking of everything Dr. Lindstrom taught her to be mindful of.

_‘Tragedy will consume you if you let it. This, no matter how tragic a situation isn’t a tragedy, Olivia. Your daughter is alive. She’ll be okay, if not right now, then eventually. And with you as her mother, soon.’_

Olivia reminds herself.

_‘Remember what keeps you grounded. Who keeps you sane. Who will always be in your corner, don’t let him go, Olivia. Don’t push him away, make time for him for your relationship as husband and wife, I know those hats get lost among the many responsibilities that come with the badge and motherhood, but what the two of you have is worth making time for.’_

Olivia repeats to herself. The coffee sitting in her mug grew to be her sparring partner, she’s been deep in thoughts, her only company grew cold over an hour ago.

Her mind drifts once again, this time her thoughts are flooded with her husband, Rafa. She bit her lip thinking of how bad she wanted him at this moment. How she just wanted to be held by him at the least-but he has work, he has responsibilities to tend to, he was ready to face life head-on once again, Olivia couldn’t say the same.

The sound of a slow and dreamy Latin beat danced across her eardrums. She rose to her feet, following the blissful resort-like tempo.

“Rafa, you there?” Olivia steps through the entryway of their bedroom. “Baby? What’s going on?” She can’t help but smile at the sight of her husband swaying his hips-dancing a slow bachata, a seductive grin softly resting across his face.

_“Todo lo que viene yo lo pido_

_En cada momento infinito_

_Busco lo que escondes_

_Tú me dices dónde_

_Todo lo que pasa es relativo_

_Pero, cada vez que estoy contigo_

_El tiempo se detiene_

_Y desapareces_

_Y tú me das todo lo demás_

_Yo quiero estar donde tú estás_

_Amor eres tú_

_Solo tú_

_Y tú me das todo lo demás_

_Yo quiero estar donde tú estás_

_Amor eres tú_

_Ninguno como tú_

_Todo lo que dice un solo beso_

_Hace que se rinda el universo_

_Como hacen los dioses_

_Al caer la noche,”_ Rafael extends his arm out, breaking from the lyrics to ask, “Baila conmigo, Mi vida?” Olivia steps closer to him.

“Only if you keep singing to me,” She grins, taking his hand.

“For you? Anything.” They dance silently to the music before Olivia speaks, shifting the ambiance.

“What’s the occasion?” She rests her head on his shoulder, her arms secured behind his neck, his arms around her waist, closing the space between them.

“Close your eyes, tell me what you see when I sing to you.” Olivia obliges, shutting her eyes, head still resting on his shoulder.

_“Para qué correr si no hay apuro_

_Si es que cada vez que estamos juntos_

_El tiempo se detiene_

_Y desapareces_

_Y tú me das todo lo demás_

_Yo quiero estar donde tú estás_

_Amor eres tú_

_Solo tú,”_ She hums lovingly against his shoulder.

“I see us.” She states simply.

_“Y tú me das todo lo demás_

_Yo quiero estar donde tú estás_

_Amor eres tú_

_Ninguno como tú_

_Ya no me hace falta nada más_

_Si lo más difícil de encontrar_

_Lo encontré contigo,”_

“We’re dancing, the ocean is close by, and it’s night time.”

_“Ya no me hace falta nada más_

_Si lo más difícil de encontrar_

_Lo encontré contigo_

_Y nadie más,”_

“The stars are bright, they’re shining, but they still don’t compare to the beauty of your eyes and how much they sparkle whenever you smile at me.” Rafael turns his head toward hers, his warm breath frolics upon her skin, goosebumps rise.

“Let’s go away. Somewhere Latin, where there’s a beach.” A pause. “We can take the kids, it’s exactly what we need as a family. A _vacation_. A _real_ one.” Their romantic swaying ceases, she lifts her head off of his shoulder.

“Hm, I should’ve realized you had an ulterior motive,” She smirks. “You play dirty, dancing while you sing to me, you knew you’d get anything you want.” She leans up, kissing him sweetly squarely on the lips.

“I meant every word I said, Olivia. Anywhere. I’ll go anywhere you want.” His hands slowly drift from her waist to her ass, taking fist fulls into his palm. “I want to go anywhere you are. _Amor es tú, solo tú.”_ His grip subtly turns into his hands massaging circles on her firm cheeks, Olivia moans into his mouth. Rafael breaks the kiss, rotating her warm figure, placing a trail of kisses from her ear to her neck, down to the end of her shoulder blade.

“We’re home alone,” he whispers into Olivia’s ear, nibbling slightly on her earlobe.

“Mm,” Olivia all but moans as her husband places his warm hands against the cool smooth flesh of her stomach, rubbing circles lower and closer to her core, her back pressed firmly against his chest.

“How about you slip into that sexy two-piece I got you for Valentine’s Day and I’ll meet you by the pool?” Olivia smirks, nodding subtly before pulling out of his embrace.

Olivia undoes the button of her jeans, pulling the shirt over her head, and unclips her bra. She sensually, slips the straps off of her shoulders, never once breaking eye contact with her husband.

Rafael was nearly drooling, basking at the sight in front of him. Olivia saunters over to her draw, losing the lace panties along the way. Quickly she slips into the barely-there bikini gifted to her, by her husband himself.

Olivia smirked, her husband _actually_ began to drool, she’d never worn the two-piece as,

  1. She was gifted the ensemble during the thick of winter and 
  2. The bikini is absolutely unacceptable to wear in public (as a captain to the Manhattan SVU, as a wife, and as a mother). 



Olivia only agreed to wear this in the presence of her husband alone, Rafael had no objections.

“Pick up your jaw, you’ve seen me naked,” Olivia pats his chest in jest. “I’ll be laying by the pool, tanning, come find me when you’ve collected yourself.” She throws her head back laughing silently.

Olivia admired herself in the microkini looking at her reflection in the pool water. She sat down on the edge of the pool, letting her feet dangle in the cooling water.

Droplets of water hit her bare midriff as her husband dives into the pool, splashing her as a by-product.

“You look too hot, thought I’d try to cool you down...” Rafa’s voice trails off, as his eyes darken with lust. He swims over to the edge of the pool where his wife sat, the moment he reaches his destination he unties the sides of the microkini leaving his wife exposed to the outside world.

“You bought this to barely let me wear it for 10 minutes?” She chuckled.

Rafael didn’t respond with words, he silently moved his hands against the sun-kissed skin of her thighs, working to part her legs, spreading them open.

Olivia’s breath hitches in her throat as Rafael trails kisses from her outer thighs to the lips of her core, “mmm momma, you’re so wet.” Rafael purrs against her thrumming clit, the vibrations sending shockwaves of pleasure coursing through her body.

Olivia gasps the moment Rafael takes the plunge, his tongue lapping languorously around her bundle of nerves.

“Raf,” Olivia threw her head back, swallowing her moans, Rafael pulls her closer to the edge lifting her thighs from the damp concrete, resting them on his shoulders. Olivia tightens her thighs around his neck, fighting off the urge to release the pleasureful screaming building in her chest.

She looks down at her husband going to work on her nether regions, the passion on his face, the joy in his eyes, the love he has for her-this always turns Olivia on beyond no compare.

“C’mon Livvie, give it to me, let go. Scream.” Rafael’s voice is muffled against her folds.

“Raaaafi! Mmm. Rafi, please! Rafi!” Olivia pulls the locks of his hair as she approaches the precipice, “I don’t wanna-“ she huffs, holding her hips back from riding his face at this angle, not wanting to hurt him, “hurt yo-oh God!” Rafael flicks his tongue against her clit, speeding up his ministrations.

“Livvie, if it’s my time, this is how I want to go..” Rafael dives back in the warm juices of his wife, Olivia can’t fight the impending orgasm any longer; she rides his face in earnest. Her hips quickly losing control, his nose getting lost, buried deep in her core as she sporadically rides out her orgasm, finally releasing her pent up cries of pleasure, at the top of her lungs.

Once the bucking of her hips finally slows down, Rafa pulls his face out of her core, not before leaving kisses all over her overstimulated center. Rafael softly clasps his hands around her waist, gently lifting his wife off of the cooled concrete and lowering her into the water, where she soon wraps her legs around his waist her arms around his neck. He captured his lips with hers, sliding his tongue into her mouth, she could taste herself on his tongue, she always found this alluring.

“That mouth of yours, Rafi. Too good, too, too good.” She spoke lowly, still breathless from her orgasm. She kissed him, hard. Running her fingers through his hair, wanting to kiss the smug grin off of his face.

The couple lounged around the pool, always intertwined with one another. They made out like horny teenagers, fondling each other, lazily making love; in the pool, outside the pool, rubbed up against the jets, on top of the floating pool loungers-even as the floating vessel began to sink due to Rafael’s incessant thrusts-nothing stopped the couple from thoroughly enjoying one another.

“Baby,” Olivia pants breathlessly. “You’re relentless, today.” She wraps her arms around his neck, moving to kiss him gently.

“Can you blame me? Have you seen yourself? With everything going on lately, we’ve had no time for _just us_.” It’d been a little over a month since the couple made love, unable to find a spare moment to talk, much less to reconnect-explaining why they had practically been going at it like horny teenagers-no rabbits in heat.

_“Ya no me hace falta nada más_

_Si lo más difícil de encontrar_

_Lo encontré contigo_

_Y nadie más,”_ He sang, capturing her lips with his in a swift and sensual kiss.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Liv chortles. “My body can not handle the sixth orgasm right now,” She adds space between them, his pleading eyes look slightly disappointed. “Let’s get out of the pool that our children swim in and maybe we can see if my body doesn’t completely shut down before orgasm number six in the shower.” She smirks, biting her lip, fishing their swimsuits out of the water rushing back into the house as her body drips. Rafael hot on her trail, both making it to the bathroom at the same time.

After the couple makes steamy love one last time against the glass of the piping hot shower, Rafa has to carry Liv out of the shower as she’s completely legless by the end of their lovemaking tour.

Rafa wraps Liv in a towel, drying her off, even though she is completely capable-he wants their sensual atmosphere to last a just a little longer.

“Thank you, Rafa,” Olivia says in muted tones, Rafael lifts an eyebrow in confusion.

“You’re thanking me?” She nods, tears building up behind her eyes.

“Thank you for loving me, I know it can be hard. I know I’m difficult to deal with, but you always stick around and remain in my corner. You love me unconditionally, even when I push you away. You still love me. Thank you for always knowing what I need and for _always being here.”_

“Olivia. Till death do us part, I meant every word of it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do or tolerate for you. I love you. Thank you for opening up to me, choosing me, and continuing to invest yourself in _us_. That’s all I ask for.” He leans down to kiss her.

“I love you too, baby, but let’s get dressed and pick up our many children before we get carried away again,” she mumbles her breath bouncing off of his lips, they are that close.

“Okay,” he purrs against her lips, closing the gap, stealing one last kiss before whisking her onto her feet, so they could continue to brave the world _together_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter probably seems so left field, but I feel like I leave no room for Rafael and Olivia as a couple, and I just focus on the kids, the family unit, and other outside forces, but never really focus on the relationship so I thought that I'd just throw an intimate chapter in there, hope this doesn't throw the plot too far off base. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed! Comments, feedback, and kudos are always appreciated.


	11. Fe·lic·i·ty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little slice of bliss and a family compromise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was @mightymariskamagic

It‘d been a little over a month,as Halloween‘s quickly creeping up on the family of six. The hottest topic of conversation in the Barba Residence-what is this year’s family costume?

Luca wanted to go as a pack of crayons-on one condition, he had to be the green crayon, his favorite color.

Rafael suggests going as the cast of Grease-Olivia quickly shooting down the idea, reminding her husband of their hundreds of young children they’d have to style, dress, do hair and makeup for just to execute the costumes properly.

Rosie pushed for Frozen, Demi seconding the idea, Rafael only agreeing to the theme if _he_ got to be Elsa.

Noah’s adamant suggestion that the family goes as the avengers, lay in the balance.

“What if we go as bakers and their deserts!” Olivia pitched enthusiastically.

“I am _not_ going as a cupcake, mom!” Noah immediately shoots down the concept faster then Olivia delivered the idea.

“Demi and I can be twin cupcakes!” Rosie bounces in excitement.

“Where does she get all this energy?” Rafael asks reentering the family room, as he plops himself onto the corner of the couch right next to his wife. “Make room woman, the cheeks need to breathe!” Olivia rolls her eyes sarcastically, unable to contain the love she feels for the man squeezing himself into her personal space.

“You two are already twins, you _don’t need matching_ costumes, Rosie!” Noah exclaims emphatically.

“Then what’s the point of being twins?” Rosie asks flatly, tilting her head to the side expectantly.

“You know, there’ll come a day when you two won’t want to match anymore,” Olivia chuckles softly.

“What? NEVER!” The twins gasp simultaneously.

“Mis preciosas gemelitas, stay this age forever.” Rafael pouts.

“Okay, Daddy!” Rosie throws a grin over her shoulder, soon averting her attention back to the coloring page in front of her.

“I match with Demi?” Luca insists as he presses into his sister’s side.

“So three _matching_ cupcakes, two bakers, and a wooden rolling pin?” Olivia pokes fun, trying to get a rise out of Noah.

“Mooooom! No! Why can’t we be something cool?” Noah mewls.

“How are cupcakes _not cool_ , Noah _?”_ Rosalía bites back in an accusatory tone.

The couple sits back on the couch, appreciating their perfect little family dynamic. The couple leans into each other; interlocking their fingers, tangling their legs, Olivia’s head finding solace on Rafael’s left shoulder-his head resting on top of hers.

Olivia’s sigh is one of absolute domestic felicity. She observes Noah and Rosalía’s bickering over the subjective nature of ‘cool Halloween costumes’- a trait they surely picked up from their parents; to Demi and Luca sharing a coloring page, giggling softly amongst one another.

“Hmm, Demi, you seem to be the only Barba who hasn’t pitched a family costume idea.” Rafael highlights.

Demi simply shrugs, never moving her attention away from her and Luca’s masterpiece.

“Hey, Demi. You’ve been a little quiet this evening. Is everything okay? Do you want to talk?” Olivia presses a little further.

Demi has been doing great lately, improving gradually. She has been improving with her communication, talking about her day and feelings without being prompted- it worried Olivia slightly when her daughter grew into this quiet bashful creature of habit.

“Um,” Demi looked around, noticing the room growing quiet around her. The last thing she wanted to do was monopolize the conversation. “I uh, yeah.” She smiled sheepishly.

Olivia glanced at her youngest daughter, lifting a single eyebrow signaling to her that she’d already been caught, she might as well confess.

Demi drops her crayon, no longer able to avoid her mother’s gaze. She sighs self consciously, not wanting to dampen the ebullience coating the room.

Demi stands to her feet, shuffling over to her glittery multi-shade purple butterfly backpack, “The boys are back.” Demi states reaching into the front flap of her bag, “And they gave me this.” She pulls out a penknife, handing the weapon over to her parents, dropping the bag at their feet, working her way back over to her spot at the coffee table between Rosie and Luca; taking the crayon back into her hand, she finishes up the coloring page with her little brother as if nothing happened.

“Demi, baby girl...” Olivia swallows thickly, “When did they give you this?” She sits up, her spine stiffening at the discovery of this new information.

“Today at recess,” Demi answers nonchalantly.

“Why did they give you this? What did they say?” Rafael finally speaks up finding words amidst the jumbled thoughts rushing through his head.

“Mm, that momma’s a cop so they can’t hurt me anymore ‘cause they don’t wanna get in trouble again,” her voice trails off as she swaps crayons with Luca. “They told me to do it myself..” she doesn’t dare provide details of the awful things her bullies said to her, while in such close proximity of her baby brother. The little boy who knows nothing but love, innocence, and giggles.

“Demi-“ Rafael begins

“I’m not gonna do it.” Demi reassures her parents, “I was plannin’ on talkin’ to momma right after dinner,” Demi announces. “Didn’t wanna worry everyone with stupid stuff,” She shrugs hesitantly.

“You know nothing involving you and what’s going on in your life is stupid, Demi.” Rafael clarifies.

“Especially not your safety.” Olivia smiles down half-heartedly, completely gobsmacked by her daughter's utter regard for everyone else before herself, “We _all_ care about you Demi, you’re allowed to share in family spaces regardless of what’s the information is-happy or sad. Right kids? Don’t we always want to hear what Demi has to say?” Olivia gauges the situation, depending on her children's genuine concern and love for their sister to make her point.

“Yes!” Noah and Rosie rejoice, simultaneously.

“Always want to hear from Demi, FOEVAAAAAAA!” Luca adds, throwing his arms around Demi’s neck-the love between the two so evident, so pure and unconditional.

“So as a family can we make a promise?” Rafael sits up, making eye contact with his wife to reassure her to continue.

The parents have their children’s undivided attention.

“Let’s promise to always be open; to share how we’re feeling, our ideas, how our days went; to be honest, to be kind, to always love each other unconditionally even when we’re upset at each other; to not let vulnerabilities and insecurities become our weaknesses, but what binds us together and makes us closer and stronger. Can we make that promise as a family?” Olivia makes brief eye contact with each child, noting the light behind each of their eyes.

Olivia offers her pinky s as the binding contractual mechanism.

“Ah, the pinky promise-the most legally sound method of promises and lawmaking.” Rafael chimes in attaching his pinky to his wife’s. “To the Barba’s first family tenant!”

Each child ardently adds their finger to the mix, “We pwomise!” Luca zealously proclaims.

The children climb up onto the couch, throwing themselves into an awkwardly spaced but love-filled group hug.

The love in the room could be felt from a mile away.

“But we're not doing bakers for Halloween!” Noah broadcasts to his family from the inside of the group hug, the family breaking out in a fit of giggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted some more fluff before I do...something, LOL.


	12. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween with the Barba family goes down without a hitch — until it almost turns into their worst nightmare.

“Raf?” Olivia exhales.

“Mm?” Rafael sings from his place on the bed, tearing his eyes away from the book in front of him, “Yes, love?” He tosses the book to the side, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Do I look—“ Olivia bites her lip.

“Do you look, what?” He rises to stand.

“Do I look fat—bigg _er_?” Olivia peers into the full body mirror propped against the corner wall of their bedroom.

Rafael stands behind her, his eyes devouring her curvaceous form. His hands soon gripped the skin against her hips.

“Olivia, you’re gorgeous. I’m speechless—“ Rafael was tongue-tied, his mouth suddenly dry. He pulled her flush against his chest, his arousal pressed into her backside.

“I just—I haven’t—my body hasn’t been the same since Luca—three years, it’s almost been three years, Rafa.” Olivia’s lower lip trembles, with Luca’s third birthday party approaching Olivia, felt the weight of the world sitting on her shoulders, well more like living _on_ her hips.

“Olivia. You incubated and birthed three children. So yes, your hips are wider, your breasts are fuller, and those magnificent thighs. Olivia Margret Barba, you are the most breathtakingly beautiful woman to ever grace this earth pre and post-baby. You’re stunning, and the fact that you carried _my_ children just makes you all the more stunning in my eyes. If anyone has trouble seeing your pulchritude, then lucky for me. Less roaming eyes.” His lips find the sensitive spot at the base of her neck.

“I haven’t like myself since the baby—he’s not even a baby anymore more! I find myself being self-conscious at the oddest moments; like last week when I walked the kids to school, I saw all the _younger_ and _fitter_ moms. I just wanted to crawl into a hole until all the hot yoga and Pilates moms were gone.” Olivia felt so embarrassed she wanted to shrink into herself. “I’m afraid for the day the kids are embarrassed to be seen with me, to tell other kids I’m their mom—I’m turning 49 in February, Rafa.” Olivia plopped down onto the bed, her elbows resting on her knees as she hides her face in the palm of her hands. “Their friends’ mothers are in their 20s—mid-30s max! And their mom is pushing 50!” Olivia sobbed into her hands.

“Olivia, mi amor.” Rafael wrapped his arms around her as she was hunched over, in an attempt to conceal her insecurities from him. With the added pressure of Rafael pressed into, she sat upright, leaning into his chest. “Their friends’ mothers haven’t received recognition from the district attorney’s office, awards and accolades from the police commissioner, the mayor, and the governor. They haven’t worked with Vice President Joe Biden in a campaign to end the rape kit backlog around the country. Are they a police captain with the NYPD? Do they run their own unit and still come home to raise _four_ children and somehow manage to keep this old kvetch shamelessly happy?” He smiles while bumping her shoulder, jokingly. “The kids, _you_ birthed, that we raised would rather have Wonder Woman as their mom and not some Flexi rod who can put their leg behind their head in an overheated room filled with 20 somethings!” She chuckled at that, “Liv I can’t tell you you’re the youngest and slimmest mom out there cause I’d be lying, but you are the strongest, most resilient, loving, dedicated, and drop-dead gorgeous mom to me, and to our kids, and to any soul on this planet lucky enough to get to know you or who already _knows_ you.”

Olivia wipes her tears, leaning into her husband’s lips.

“Thank you, baby, I really needed that.” She whispers against his lips.

“What else am I here for if not to remind you of what a light you see in not only my life, and our children’s lives, but to the world. You’re my superhero, Liv.”

“And love is my superpower?” She leans into his side.

“Too bad we already voted and bought our Halloween costumes, you would’ve made a _hot_ Wonder Woman,” Rafa nibbles on her earlobe as his words send chills down her spine. “Get dressed, I know those children have been sitting in those skin-tight-nonbreathable costumes for at least an hour now.” He stood, smiling down on her, extending an arm to help her off the bed, squeezing her ass as she was halfway in the air.

“You’re such a tease,” she gripped his hand with a chuckle.

**—**

The family of six had conceded on their family costume about a week ago, they'd finally settled on the Incredibles! It was the perfect compromise, something ‘cool’ for Noah, matching costumes for Rosie and Demi (and technically the rest of the family as well), Rafa and Olivia came to an agreement with Luca— if he promised to drop the crayon pitch they'd throw him a color party— whatever that meant— for his third birthday, exactly one week from today; and well Rafa wasn't that hard to convince, seeing as once he unwrapped his birthday present exactly one week ago today, there was no argument— he was sold.

(His present may have been his wife in a sexy silk robe, a red lace lingerie ensemble underneath, and a night alone at home _sans_ the kids)

The incredible crew was nearing the end of their trick or treating endeavor as they scampered away from the last house on their trick or treating tour.

“Can we walk through the park?” Noah pled to take the long way home, tugging his pillowcase of candy over his shoulder, just so he could savor every extra moment he had in his Dash costume— his hair blown out and gelled back to match.

The sun hadn’t set yet, but was getting there—the sky was that mesmerizing pink cotton candy color. Olivia and Rafa couldn’t find a reason _not to_ take the opportunity to stop and smell the roses.

The family had set out early before the crowds, cold, and darkness could become a problem; the view was impeccable; _they too_ wanted to revel in the shared family time.

“Yeah, I don’t see why not.” Rafael agreed, taking the twins' hands as they crossed the street into the park, Olivia holding Noah’s hand as she had Luca hooked onto her other hip.

“Oh! Lukey look! The leaves are crunchy!” Demi rejoices, releasing her father’s hand just as Olivia set Luca down, she took her little brother’s hand in hers. Handing off her candy sack to the nearest recipient, which just happened to be her father— who was already lugging around Luca's Jack-O-Lantern bucket as well. 

“Demi!” Rafael warns as his two youngest children take off ahead of rest the family.

“CWUNCHY LEAFS!” Luca excitedly dives into a heap of leaves pulling his sister toward their intended stomping ground. “CWUNCHY PUDDLES!” Luca sings, imitating Peppa pig.

“Don’t go too far!” Olivia calls out as her two joyous balls of energy charge on to the next assemblage of leaves.

“Liv,” He glances over at his wife momentarily, not wanting to take his eyes off of his children for even a moment. “Aren’t they going to get _messy_?”

“They’re children aren’t they _always_ messy?” Her smile is all-encompassing, it's warming, it’s overwhelming.

Rafael was suddenly struck by his overwhelming love for her. For a moment he thought it stole his breath.

“Besides, look how happy she is! How can you not feel warm looking at that smile?” Olivia nudges her head in Demi’s direction.

“Of course it does,” the smile on his face overpowers his train of thought.

Not a trace of worry remained in his body as he watched his youngest daughter grin from ear to ear.

“Rosie, don’t you want to play with your brother and sister?” Olivia asks playing with the ends of her curly hair.

“Mm mmm!” Rosie shakes her head furiously, “My shoes’ll get dirty and my hair will get frizzy. Mommy, I _don’t_ look pretty with frizzy hair!” Noah scoffed at his sister's dramatics.

“She really _is your_ child,” Olivia rolls her eyes playfully at her husband.

“What gave it away? The green eyes or the sass?” Rafael goads his wife.

“What about you Noh?” Olivia presses on, ignoring her husband’s seemingly adorable wit.

“That game’s for babies and I’m not a baby!”

“Oh, yeah?” Olivia shifts her line of sight toward her eldest son as he nodded his head, “Well, you’re _my_ baby, my _first_ baby.”

“Moooom please don’t get all gooey and feely right now,” Noah groans.

“Are you my eight-year-old son or did you happen to turn eighteen when I wasn’t looking?” She throws her left arm around his shoulder, “Am I not allowed to get all touchy-feely with you anymore? Or is it just an in private luxury now?” She jests.

“No, cuddling is still allowed, _for now._ ” He warns as he melts into his mother’s embrace.

“I hate to break it to you bud, but cuddling will always have to be allowed in this family. We’re lovers and huggers.” Rafael chimes in, he places his right hand on Noah’s head running his fingers through his curls. Rosie wraps her legs around Rafael’s waist as he hitched her onto his left hip, hooking his left arm around her waist to ensure she’s secure.

“Rafa,” Olivia raises an eyebrow, “You know if Demi sees you carrying Rosie, she’s going to want to be carried as well.”

“I have a very functional right hip to carry her on if she wants to be carried. No task is too tedious for my baby girls.” Rafael smirked at his wife as a young redhead stepped in their path a little ways ahead of them, blocking their direct access to their car and the rest of their leisurely stroll through the park.

"While sporting an additional ten pounds in candy?" She eyes the kids discarded vessels of treats.

"Are you referring to candy I've consumed or?" He smirks at her.

"You're a child," she gently shoves her husband away while failing to stifle her chuckle. 

After a pregnant pause, “Do you ever think about having...more?” Rafa asks as his eyes lovingly gaze over their children.

“More than four?” She locks eyes with her husband.

"I mean, we have the means to love and support the—" Rafael's voice is unexpectantly cut off.

“Hi!” A young woman waves kindly at the two small children. “You have a beautiful family,” her eyes flicker toward Rafael, an uneasiness settles in Olivia’s stomach.

“Can we help you?” Olivia nearly bites the woman’s head off as she doesn’t take kindly to random strangers interrupting her conversations or ogling at her husband.

“Lukey...” Demi whispers to her little brother as his airborne feet land on freshly fallen leaves.

“Dem Dem!” He whispers back, quite loudly.

“That man’s been watchin’ us.” She grabs his hand, intertwining their fingers. “We gotta get back to mommy and Papí.” Luca nods, his smile never faltering. Demi pulls him closer as the man takes notice that he’s been spotted, he pulls on his backpack and starts toward the unattended children. “Okay Luca, promise me that when I say _so_ , you’ll run and scream and you won’t stop until you get back to mommy or daddy.” Luca’s eyes get wide in wonder assuming this is a new game his sister made up. “Promise?” Demi’s eyes plead.

“I pwomise, Demi!” He wraps his tiny arms around his sister.

“Hey, kiddies!” The portly man crouches down in front of the siblings. “I have the cutest little doggie over there that would love to play with two cute little kids like yourselves!” He points past the trees and shrubbery. Demi’s heart begins to slam in her chest, she grips her brother's hand tighter, never once looking over to where his hands indicated.

Her eyes studying his face, an internal voice screaming in her head, _‘no distractions, do not get distracted’_ a voice gravely resembling her mother’s.

“He’s allergic to dogs and cats!” Demi responds rapidly, glad she's quick on her feet. “No thank you.” She pulls Luca into her side, clutching onto his shoulder.

“I’ll watch him and you can play with my doggie, he’s really lonely.” The man counters, Demi shakes her head immediately.

“I’m not leaving my little brother with a stranger.” The blood rushes to Demi’s ears. Why wasn’t her mother or father intervening? Couldn’t they tell stranger danger when they saw it?

“We don’t have to be strangers, do we? My name’s Bates!”

“Bates? Is that youw weal name?” Luca speaks up. Demi’s heart rate picks up, not wanting Luca to grow comfortable with this stranger, or speaking to _any_ stranger _ever_.

“Yes, Bates Huckle.” His nefarious grin overwhelms his face. “And what’s your name pretty girl?” He places his sweaty hand on Demi’s shoulder, nausea fills her chest.

“Mommy says don’t talk to stwainjuhs!” Luca sticks his tongue out at the man, who was obviously growing frustrated.

“We won’t be strangers if you just tell me your names, I already told you my name is Bates. Don’t you want to be friends?” He reaches into his pocket.

“Elle! My name's Elle.” She panics, playing off her middle name, afraid Bates might pull a weapon out and hurt her little brother.

“A beautiful name for such a beautiful girl.” Demi shuts her eyes, turning her head in disgust, her chin touching her shoulder, unable to mask the grimace on her face. Demi just wanted someone to save her from this moment, she simply wanted her mom and dad. To be safe with them and not exposed to crazy creepy strangers. “Hey, I have some candy, would you like some? I’ll give you a piece if you tell me your name!”

“He’s diabolic!” Demi bit her lip, trying to remember the term her mother taught her to use in a situation just like this, “Diabetes?” She second-guessed herself, “He’s Diabetes!” Demi repeated sounding more sure of herself but not sounding confident in her words.

“Diabetic.” He corrects, raising an eyebrow, “One piece of candy won’t kill him.” He tries to reassure her, Demi gives Luca a hearty squeeze, as if it’ll be her last time she’ll ever be able to do so. “Are you lying to me, Elle? I thought we were friends. Friends don’t lie to each other!” He raises his voice.

“SO!” Demi shouts, instantly, Luca takes off in a bout of giggles screaming at the top of his lungs.

“Where is he going?” Bates grabs Demi’s wrist out of pure rage.

Olivia rolls her eyes, swallowing her anger at the woman shamelessly flirting with her husband, Rafael giving her a tight-lipped smile the entire time she spoke. Olivia smirked at this woman’s insistence even though she’s failing miserably at whatever attempt of flirting-with-a-man-while-his-wife-is-present this was.

Olivia’s eyes snapped back to the path her youngest children sauntered ahead on as she heard giggle-filled screams, that could only belong to her son, approaching.

Olivia shoulder checked the woman out of her way, finding Luca hightailing toward her like an asteroid hurtling towards Earth.

“Luca?” Olivia crouched down as Luca crashed into her arms in a fit of giggles.

“Dem, say run to mommy and scream when she say so, and she scream so!” Luca giggled even harder.

Olivia looks up, spotting her daughter being roughhoused by a stranger.

Her eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing, an older man trying to lure her daughter away, while she was a mere 80 feet away.

“LET GO OF ME!” Olivia’s heart dropped at Demi’s cries.

“Luca, stay with Daddy!” Olivia practically had to pry Luca off of her chest as she pushed him behind her toward his father.

Olivia took off, thanking God she wore her black running sneakers and knee socks instead of her heeled thigh boots, “BATES!” The redhead called out a warning from behind her.

The stout man’s eyes widen, he shoots to his feet, gripping Demi’s wrist pulling her with him, but Demi fights back, adding resistance to his flee attempt until he finally gives in and releases the hold on her wrist, taking off and disappearing into the trees.

If this was any other circumstance, Olivia would’ve pursued the perp until he surrendered.

_Oh, how she wished she had back up_

But this wasn’t any other circumstance, this was her daughter. This was Demi and what she needed right now was comfort.

Olivia scooped Demi into her arms, cradling the back of her head as Demi nuzzles into the crook of her neck.

“I’m so sorry momma, I—I didn’t realize we were so far away. I didn’t mean to put Luca in dang—er. I just wanted to play in the leaves and—and then I saw him watchin’ us.” Demi sobbed into her mother’s neck. “He said his name was Bates Huckle, one of his eyes were gray and the other was brown, he had a scar on under his left eyebrow.” Demi hiccups, “I can still feel his sweaty hand on my shirt, where squeezed my shoulder.” Demi shook her head.

“It’s okay baby girl, it’s not your fault. It’s okay. Mommy should’ve been watching you better. You did the right thing.” Olivia soothes.

“Where’s Luca?” Demi panics, “Is he with daddy? Where’s daddy?” Olivia cuddled her trembling daughter to her chest.

“Daddy’s right here, baby girl,” Rafael doesn’t miss a beat, he kisses the top of her head the best he could while holding both Rosie and Luca and managing to keep a death grip on Noah’s hand. “I’m so, so, so proud of you, mija. You did everything right.”

“I noticed him watchin’ us and I tried to get back to you guys but he came over before we could and—and he asked us to play with his doggie ‘cause it was lonely and I told him Luca was allergic and he kept askin' to be our friend and askin' for our names—so I lied to him and told him my name was Elle ‘cause I didn’t want him to know my real name and he offered us candy but I told him Luca is diabolical—just like mommy teached me to but he knew I was lyin’ that’s when I told Luca to run away and scream until he got back to you guys ‘cause mommy and daddy can protect him and I can’t 'cause I’m too little and I don’t want to get him hurt.” Demi hiccuped and stumbled through her explanation, clinging tightly to her mother’s chest.

“You did so well protecting your little brother today, so, so good, baby!” Olivia praised her daughter as they made their way to the car.

With trembling hands Olivia buckles the twins into their booster seats; Rafael straps Luca into his front-facing car seat; as Noah fastens his seatbelt—silence overpowers the family. All shook to their core.

They were _right_ there, _right there,_ and somehow as the Captain of the Manhattan SVU and the former ADA of multiple sex crimes bureaus—how could they _not_ have noticed the distraction the moment it was presented to them? How could they fail to protect their daughter from that trauma?

Even when they did everything right—taught their children all they needed to know about stranger danger; the right things to say, what to _never_ do, and how to get out of a sticky situation.Why do they, the parents, still feel as if they failed their youngest children?

“Mommy?” A voice mumbles softly cutting through the sound of tires driving over asphalt.

“Yes?” Olivia shifts her body in the direction of the voice as Rafael kept his eyes on the road and right hand securely on her thigh—the only thing keeping him present, the only thing keeping him grounded.

“Thank you for savin’ me, I forgot to say thank you earlier.” Demi’s voice is leveled, reflecting some semblance of calm. Olivia turns even further, to see her daughters holding hands and mumbling sweet nothings to one another.

The ride home was deafening, the silence leaking into every crevice of the SUV. 

"I—I love you." Noah confesses into the open air of the vehicle.

_I love you's,_ pour in from every angle of the car, masking the resonating silence with reassurances of love. 


	13. Oh, Where Has the Time Gone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luca's birthday has arrived and we get a peek at how the Barba family survived the past week.

Olivia slept soundly, wrapped in her husband’s warm and loving embrace. Her head resting peacefully on Rafael’s right forearm, her bum pressed into his morning wood, his left hand subconsciously cupping her breast in their rest filled moments of marital bliss.

The last week had been wearily hectic. _Demi’s emotional state ranged from inconsolable to a numbing quiet. She’s been reeling through all the nitty-gritty emotion—staggering between the inability to look her little brother in the eyes to not wanting to be away from him or her parents for a single moment._

_Luckily, Demi had been responding well to therapy before Halloween and has been more expressive and open with her therapist after her traumatic experience in the park._

_Olivia has always been such sucker for her children, caving into all their desires and wishes whenever vulnerabilities are present. Where Rafael has always been the stickler for boundaries, going by the book, and laying down the law._

_Tonight was the first night their king-sized mattress had been childfree. The night of Halloween all four children filled every inch of free space on the bed—Luca snuggled under his mother’s chin, Demi pressed into her father’s chest, Rosie’s arms wrapped around her sister using this as an excuse to sleep in the same bed as her twin without getting admonished by her father, and Noah slept peacefully between both parents, cradled in his family’s warmth. The Friday, Saturday, and Sunday following Halloween found their bed in this exact setup. By Monday night Noah was back into his own bed, by Wednesday night Rafael had finally come to a compromise with Olivia—Luca was allowed to lay with them until he fell asleep and at that time, she’d put him to bed, in his own room. Thursday night was spent trying to get Rosie and Demi back in their own beds—not wanting the twins to grow codependent. Rosie was the easy one to convince, she didn’t care for sleeping with her parents but she refused to spend the night without Demi in their shared bedroom. Demi, on the other hand, wasn’t too keen on the idea of not having arms wrapped around her at night, she just wanted to physically feel secure._

_Olivia talked to Dr. Cas about Demi’s inabilities to sleep without being held as of lately in regard to her recent experience. Dr. Cas worked with Demi, and by Friday night Demi reluctantly went to sleep in her own bedroom, she may have crawled into Rosie’s bed to initially fall asleep, but it was progress nonetheless._

_In retrospect, it was probably harder for Olivia to say no to Demi then it actually was for Demi to go sleep in her own room._

Slowly the bedroom door creaked open, the pattering of small feet didn’t wake the two from their euphoric child-free slumber.

The indiscreet sounds of a child climbing on the bed didn’t jostle Olivia awake, but it did cause her to stretch, the comforter falling from just below her shoulders to the midpoint of her waist, revealing to the world the placement of her husband’s hand.

An audible gasp leaves his lips, “Papí! Get youw hands off Mamí!” Luca shrilled, absolutely appalled at his father’s bold incredulous actions.

Rafael groans after he has been startled awake by his son’s loud accusatory tone, he pulls his hand out of his wife’s NYPD T-shirt, “I thought we got rid of you?” Barba mutters, Olivia chuckles in response opening her arms for her baby boy to run into.

“Daddy you silly!” Luca giggles as he crashes into his mother’s embrace, “you can’t get wid of me!”

“Happy birthday baby boy!” Olivia cheers, planting wet kisses all over his face, “I can’t believe my baby is three years old now, where has the time gone?” She sulks.

“I’ll always be youw baby, Mamí, no wowwy!” He places his small stubby hands on her face, squishing her cheeks together as he kisses her puckered lips, repeatedly.

“That’s what he says now,” Raf jeers, sitting up in the bed as Olivia hits his chest lightly, “You know mijo, people always said you look like me when I was a little, but I didn’t actually _see_ it until I saw how much you _love_ your mom.” He opens his arms, Luca stumbles over to his Papí. “Happy birthday, mijo, please stop growing up. Can you just stay this size forever?”

“Foweva? That’s a long time Papí, I have to gwow!” Luca releases a full belly laugh.

“I love you my joyful and giggly son!” Rafael scooped him into his arms.

“I love you too Papí,” he wraps his tiny arms around his father's neck.

Olivia goes to wake her other children, leaving her husband and his mini-me to bond, but finds the rooms empty, once she makes it down to the kitchen she sees all three of them scribbling away on folded sheets of construction paper.

“How long have you chipmunks been at this?” Olivia slides into the nearest open seat on the island, cooly running her fingers through Noah's semi matted curls.

“We’re makin’ birthday cards for Luca!” Rosie voiced.

“We forgot to finish them last night.” Demi cleared her throat, focusing on her coloring.

“About an hour,” Noah finally answers his mother’s lingering question.

Luca bounces into the kitchen his father hot on his tail, “Mownin’ guys!” Luca screams as he flees from his father.

“Happy birthday Luca!” His siblings shout simultaneously.

The couple feed their children breakfast, then hurry them upstairs to shower and get ready for Luca’s color party—Luca insisted they all wear white, Rafael wasn’t looking forward to the mess his children and their friends were about to make.

The first person to show up was Lucia of course, she’d come an hour early to help decorate and set up.

Lucy casually strolled in a few minutes behind Lucia in with extra washable paint and markers—saving the day as per usual. Rafael had underestimated just how much supplies he'd need to keep ten children entertained. 

Next was Rita Calhoun and her boyfriend Sergeant Odafin Tutuola— his son Ken, Alejandro, and their adopted son weren’t far behind.

Two of Luca’s friends from preschool were dropped off as Amanda and Carisi arrive a little later than expected, Jesse, Billie, and little Sonny all in tow. Sonny Carisi at two years and eight months old is Luca Barba’s _absolute_ best friend—the room brightened when Luca noticed his presence.

"Sonny!" Luca cheered, dropping his paintbrush and hopping down from his seat. He charged over to the dirty blonde blue-eyed devil.

"Luca!" Sonny dropped his mother's hand running toward his best friend. "Look! I got you somefin!" Sonny pushed the bright yellow, green, and blue taxi designed birthday gift bag in Luca's direction—Luca knowingly eyed the bag and crushed it as he pulled his best friend in for a hug, the only thing between them was love, smiles, and a flattened birthday present. 

"Am I crazy for thinking the two of them may end up together someday?" Rafael whispered to his wife, unsure how Carisi and Amanda would react to him alluding their not even three-year-old son _could_ be gay or bisexual someday.

"No," Olivia smiled over her shoulder as she was cleaning up Luca's spill, she sighed happily watching how happy her son looked. 

The party was in full swing, Luca was ecstatic at the turn out of his birthday party, it wasn’t a large and grandiose get together but it was perfect to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just a filler chapter to bridge into an arc I wrote about two and a half months ago. The story seems pretty illogical and choppy/lacks fluency but its always been my plan to get all my ideas out there and then com back and rewrite it to make it more cohesive. But I think from here on out the storyline/chapters should be more cohesive.   
> I hope you all enjoy it!   
> Review, please?


	14. A Soft Knock Changes it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As if Olivia doesn't have enough on her plate, a knock on her front door brings more problems for her to solve.

“Mmm,” Luca groans, “tum hurts momma!”

“Well Lukey, that’s what happens when you eat paint.” Olivia scolds him lightly.

“I no eat paint! I eat cake!” Luca corrects.

“Luca, when you paint the cake before you eat it, you technically ate paint—“ Olivia stops herself, realizing she’s arguing with a newly aged three-year-old.

If she would’ve known Luca requested a white buttercream frosted two-tier marble cake while negotiating Halloween costumes a few weeks ago—just so he could add his own color to it—she would’ve reconsidered or at least purchased edible paint for the party as well.

“Oh, Lukey, my poor bubba.” She sways back and forth, cradling her youngest in her arms. “Just because the paint is non-toxic doesn’t make it edible. But I’m so glad you’re not hurt.” She coos.

“Yes hurt! Tummy hurtsss!” He silently sobbed as she soothes him.

“I know, I know. Mommy gave you medicine to make it go away. Once you go to sleep, you’ll wake up feeling as good as new,” Olivia whispers to her son.

Luca fights with her shirt in search of her nipple, Olivia was genuinely shocked, he hasn’t nursed or even wanted to nurse in the past two to three months—she wasn’t even sure if there was still any milk in her breast.

Luca’s battle with Olivia’s pink cotton deep cut v-neck t-shirt was soon won as his small stubby hand found its way into her bra, pulling her left breast out of place latching his lips around her rosy nipple, he began to suckle.

Olivia had to admit, that after nearly three months of Luca, no longer nursing, her breast was tender and a little sore. She knew if Rafa were here to witness this scene he’d admonish her with a heavy tongue. He wanted to ween Luca off of nursing at 24 months, but Olivia objected. She knew Luca was the last baby she’d ever have, and nursing made her feel _close_ to him. And she wasn’t ready to give that up. But at 28 months, Luca began to ween _himself_ from the nursing, and by 33 months he’d only sought out Olivia’s breast when in need of dire comfort. So she knew just how much pain Luca was in at the moment.

So she powered through her discomfort and let Luca feed off of what little milk she has left until he began to feel heavy in her arms. With her nipple still in his mouth, Olivia gracefully extracted her extremity from her son, for what she assumed to be the last time ever—she gently laid Luca in his bed, immediately he curled into fetal position, grabbing onto and snuggling into his favorite stuffed animal, Petey the Panda.

Olivia watched him rest without tossing and turning for a few minutes before silently exiting his room, gently pulling the door shut behind her, hooking his baby monitor onto her hip as if it were her badge as she descended the stairs.

There was a gentle knock on the door, Olivia never would’ve heard if she wasn’t walking by. She wasn’t expecting anyone, she wasn’t even supposed to have the day off; if it weren’t for the sick, needy, and thankfully napping three-year-old upstairs, whoever stood on the other side of the door would’ve been left to an empty home.She quickly swung the door open, the young girl on the other side jumped at the quickness of the response to her barely-there knock. The look on her face read she was unsure if she wanted to actually go through with whatever business she held behind the big gray door.

“Hi, can I help you?” Olivia smiled sweetly down at the young girl, leaning into the door jam. The young petite girl looked troubled, her piercing warm blue eyes seemed as if they’d spent the last few years crying, they were bloodshot. Her thick loose coily curls were unruly and practically begging to be tamed. Her fair-barely present tan- golden honey brown skin was flushed. Something about her felt oddly familiar, and she hadn’t even spoken a single word yet.

“I-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come here!” The way she fidgeted, Olivia’s heart did a somersault.

“Olivia?” Liv spoke gingerly. She could recognize those mannerisms anywhere.

“You-you remember me?” She blinked repeatedly not believing her aunt's recognition of her, they hadn’t seen each other in nearly seven years.

“Olivia Marsden? I haven’t seen you in what, six? Seven years? How are you?” She asks lowly.

“I-I’m not that great Aunty-I shouldn’t have called you that. I’m sorry.” She hesitantly steps away, shaking her head. The look in her eye told the elder Olivia her niece was ready to bolt.

“Hey-hey!” Olivia stepped closer, “I am your aunt. You don’t have to be afraid,” Olivia takes another step closer. “Can I give you a hug?” The young girl nods desperately.

“Please, please help me.” She sobs onto her aunt’s chest.

“Tell me what’s wrong sweetie, tell Aunty Liv what’s wrong.” She pulls her niece closer into her chest, walking them into the house.

“I came looking for daddy, but-but-but daddy’s de-dead.” She wrapped her arms around her aunt’s waist.

“I know, Olivia, I know. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” She soothed her niece by planting kisses atop her head, scattering across her wild curls.

“Craig got Ty killed, he was only 14.” She burrowed her head in the crook of Olivia senior’s neck. “He beat momma so bad, I couldn’t recognize her face. I don’t think she’s alive, please Ms. Olivia please don’t let Craig find me and take me away.”

“Craig? Who's Craig?” Olivia asked softly.

“Mommy’s boyfriend. He’s a really bad man. He made Ty sell drugs & made Momma do things for his friends that made her cry and really angry.”

“Did he make you do things for his friends?” She shook her head.

“No, but they...they liked to touch and feel up on me. I told Mommy and that’s when Craig beat her for ‘being out of line,” she pulled away from Olivia. “I got Mommy killed. I shouldn’t have said anything. Mommy would still be alive.”

“Olivia, love, that was not your fault. You did the right thing going to your mom... Olivia, look at me.” A pregnant pause fills their ears, “I would die protecting my children too. Do you understand me? Your mom died _for_ you, _not because_ of you.” Olivia Junior’s silence lingered stoutly. “Olivia? How did you find me? How did you get to New York? I thought you guys left the state?”

“We lived in Maryland, real close to DC for a while. Then we moved to York, in Pennsylvania after Pops moved back to Jamaica. That’s where Momma met, Craig. Ty and I were planning to leave with the money he’d been stashing away from the drug’s Craig made him sell. We were planning on coming to New York City, we already bought the bus tickets.” She swallowed thickly. “Ty’s grandma lives in East Harlem and daddy lives-lived somewhere Queens.” The sadness thick in her tone. “We couldn’t track down his address so I kept searching for you, daddy always used to tell me that if I was ever in trouble I could always count on my Aunty Liv, that’s why he named me Olivia, so I could never forget since you made him feel safe and so did I.” She slid down the wall, Olivia’s arms still wrapped around her, she followed her niece, taking solace on the cold hardwood floors. “When I got to the city, I went to the police station and asked for my dad, that’s when they told me he was dead. I had nowhere else to turn. I was already here. So I just came here.” She shrugged. “You are easy to find online, especially while in the city. I paid $14 and got your home address, email, cell phone number, work number, and the names of everyone living in your home.“ She candidly admitted to the invasion of privacy.

“Olivia, you traveled ask the way from Pennsylvania? By yourself?”

“It was only six or seven hours.”

“You’re only eight, Olivia.”

“I’m nine!” She fires back. “Almost,” She muttered, “next week.” She sighed deeply.

“Oh, Olivia. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not here to bulldoze your life. I just need an adult to get me a motel. I have the money!” She panicked, shoving her hands into the pockets of her duffel bag. She pulled out serval wads of cash. “I’m not old enough to get it myself. I just need to find a plug and WiFi so I can find my nana. Then I’ll be out of your hair. I pinky promise!” For the first time since her appearance at her aunt’s front door, there was a breath of childlike presence. The mature eight-year-old broke Olivia’s heart.

“Olivia, no-“

“Miss Olivia, please! I just need somewhere to sleep. Please!” She pleads, her big blue eyes identical to her father’s.

“Olivia! You’re staying with me. I’m not letting you wander Manhattan alone. I’m not going to let you be alone on your birthday.”

“No, no, you have a family. I can’t put you out like that.” Liv’s heart broke into a million pieces. Her niece sounded mature beyond her years, she was only eight, barely nine. She deserved to be a kid for _once in her life._

“You won’t be putting me out. You’re family. And family takes care of one another, right?” Olivia junior nods solemnly. “Besides, my kids are always looking for _more_ reasons to have birthday cake.” Olivia shook her head, knowing her sweet baby Luca could be in pain now but would still accept cake tomorrow if offered to him— he had an appetite resembling his father—grandiose and never-ending. "Is that all your things?" Olivia peered down at the duffle bag at her feet and the backpack hanging off of her shoulder.

"I—uh...had to pack in a rush, but I didn't leave much behind." Olivia nodded, taking note of that in her head.

"Don't you worry, lovely, I'll get you everything you need." Olivia smiles warmly with a heavy heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really spent days researching and (there's very little information on Olivia Marsden) but she should be turning 9 in 2020, however, they kinda don't do well with tracking Noah's age because Ryan is actually 10 but plays an eight or seven-year-old. I've been planning this arc for about two months now!


	15. Fitting In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Olivia Marsden can't seem to find her footing— she is struggling to deal with her grief at the loss of her entire family— she starts to get to know her extended family, the Barba's. But will she ever feel like she fits in?

“Mo-oh.” Demi comes stumbling into the kitchen, the giggle dies in the back of her throat. “Hey,” she chokes out, raising an eyebrow at the sight of someone sitting in her chair at the dining room table _hours_ before dinner time.

“Uh, hi?” She barely finds the strength to smile, not wanting to scare the adorable little girl off. “Are you Rosie?” The tan-blue-eyed beauty asks.

“No.” Demi blinks, “I’m Demi,” Demi points with her thumb in the direction behind her, perfectly timed, “That’s Rosie,” the overwhelming sound of high pitched giggles soon filled her ears.

“Demi! Did mommy say we can have a snack?” The identical green-eyed giggly ball of joy crashes into her twin’s side.

“I didn’t find her yet,”

“Who’re you?” Rosie tilts her head to the side raising her eyebrow in the same fashion her twin sister did mere moments before. “My momma’s a copper so you better watch out!” Rosie grabs for Demi’s hand, her protective side rearing it’s mean head.

“My name’s Olivia Lyn Marsden-” Rosie popped her hip out, left hand to waist, right hand gripping Demi’s.

“Is this some kinda joke? That’s my momma’s name.” Rosie rolled her eyes, cutting her off.

“Rosie, you’re being mean,” Demi attempts to defuse the situation.

“Momma says we aren’t ‘pose to be nice to strangers!” Rosie retaliated.

“That’s not what she said, Rosie. We aren’t ‘pose to talk to strangers!” Demi rolled her eyes, intertwining her fingers with her sisters.

“You broke the rules either way!” Rosie states in a matter of fact tone. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell momma,” she whispers quite loudly in her sisters direction.

“She can’t be a stranger if she’s in our house!”

“Strangers break-in, that’s how kids get took!” Rosie explains in a duh tone.

“Don’t mind her, she can be a bit of a meany, momma says she gets her sassiness from Papí!” Demi smiles sweetly.

Olivia Lyn bites down on her bottom lip, she looks around at the beautiful Bronx two-story home. Her aunt didn’t need the pressure, she has her own worries, her _own children_ she didn’t need her brother’s baggage lingering around for the time being, and her husband probably didn’t ask to deal with a fifth child in their functional home. Olivia Lyn grips the side of her phone. She has to leave, she didn’t want to push her trauma onto anyone else.

“It was nice to meet you, Demi, you too Rosie, but I’m gonna go.” Olivia Lyn picked up her duffel bag, casting Demi and Rosie a defeated smile.

“Where are you going?” Rosie pipes up out of sheer curiosity.

“There’s a children’s shelter in Far Rock Away a really nice nun took me to when I was very small, smaller than you two.” She pushed her chair in.

“Did you come from mommy’s work?” Demi tilts her head to the side.

“No,” Olivia Lyn shook her head slowly, “Can you tell your mommy I left? Just let her know that I’ll be fine and she doesn’t have to worry about me, I’m a big girl and can handle myself.” She cleared her throat, not really seeing much reason to give a personal goodbye to five-year-olds who didn’t actually know who she was.

“Why don’t you just stay for dinner?” Demi asked. Olivia Lyn shrugged.

“I have to go before it gets too dark, it’s my fault for making a stop here in the first place. I don’t want your mom to worry about me too much. Just tell her-”

“Too late.” Olivia Benson-Barba descends the stairs, “Why don’t you tell me yourself?”

“Maybe I should just-I’m going to go back to York. I want to be with my mom. I shouldn’t have left.” She shakes her head, “I’ll head back in the morning, she’ll be so worried if she can’t tell me happy birthday that morning, I can’t do that to her Miss Olivia, she needs me..” The tears dance across her plump cheeks.

“Olivia-“

“What would you do if you woke up and Demi was gone? On her ninth birthday? What would you do?” Liv wrapped her arms around her niece as she shook with sobs against her chest.

“I’m so sorry that she’s gone, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey Daddy’s girls, let's get you a snack then we can color in your new descendants coloring pages!” Rafael swoops his little girls in his arms, distracting them from the meltdown before their eyes.

His wife shoots him a silent grateful look.

Liv holds her niece as she sobs and cries out incoherent babble. “I didn’t know that heaven can feel this silent and the floor beneath me could get so cold,” she clings onto her aunt’s shirt, “They say where you are is better but I want you here with me! How could you?” Olivia Lyn begins to hyperventilate, “How could she just leave me alone? I don’t have anyone..”

“Olivia, you have me,” her aunt coos. 

“She can’t be dead, no she can’t be Aunt Liv. I just want to go be with them. I want my parents. I want my brother! I’m only eight! Why me?” Olivia Lyn finally breaks down into a bundle of sobs, Olivia soothes her niece into a mind-numbing nap, rocking her back and forth while whispering to her sweet nothings. 

**—**

"Raf, I'm so sorr—"

"Liv? Why are you apologizing to me?" Rafael questions, turning away from the sizzling pot, peering deeply into his wife's chocolate eyes. 

"Because..." Olivia lowers her voice, "I made this decision without consulting you—we're a team, a unit, I can't leave you out of these things. This is your home too, your kids live here. I should've at least called you before taking another child in," Olivia rambled in a hushed tone, so the resting child on the couch wasn't disrupted nor eavesdropping on the conversation at hand. 

"So, what were you gonna do? Leave your niece out on the porch until I came home?" Rafael smirked, "Olivia. This is _our_ home, these are _our_ kids, and I love _you_ for your golden heart. I wouldn't expect anything less from you." He stepped forward planting a warm kiss on her forehead. "I would've said yes, either way, don't feel guilty, love, you did the _right_ thing." She searches his eyes for the slightest bit of acrimony or rancor. "I am not upset with you or your decision." Rafael clarifies.

"Raf, I can't do this without you. I wouldn't know how to do any of this! How to balance life without you— if there's even a slight feeling of resentment I need you to tell me now because I won't let it steep and brew and just blow up one day and then you can't even look at me much less remember why you love me and I—" His lips on hers stole the breath right out of her lungs.

"You ramble when you're worried, did you know that?" He pecks her lips quickly, "And you use the word 'and' a lot," he chuckles as she shakes her head. "I love you for it, just the same." He leans down covering her lips once again. 

The love Olivia felt for this man in front of her swelled in her chest until she felt like her heart would either burst or have to exist outside of her body, it consumed every millimeter of her from head to toe, making her feel warm and giddy.

"I love you, _so_ so much." She mumbles against his lips.

"Not more than I love you," Her protest die on her lips as he cuts her off before a syllable leaves her mouth, "Nope, don't want to hear it. Dinner is ready, go round up the children for dinner." He turned back to the stove to turn it off.

"You play dirty, Barba." She pouts.

"As long as I'm playing for your heart, you're damn straight I play dirty, _Imelda_." She could hear the smirk in his voice.

Olivia heads up the stairs gathering her hungry children. She stops at Luca's door, sticking her head in, seeing him dead asleep— a side effect of the medication given to him to ease his stomach ache. Olivia hears the rowdy group of elementary children rushing toward the kitchen to help their father set the table and dish out the food.

Olivia approaches the couch where Olivia Lyn had been resting for the past hour or two, the redness and puffiness of her eyes had gone down in the meantime, she looked so peaceful, Olivia was hesitant to wake the child. 

"Olivia, baby? It's time to get up for dinner." Olivia spoke softly rubbing her niece's back gently, Oliva Lyn's eye's shot open in panic, "Its okay honey, it's me, you're here with me." Olivia Lyn looked around at the unfamiliar setting, until she laid her eyes on her Aunt, she tearfully exhaled.

"I thought it all was a dream, I dreamt of them." She whispered, leaning further into her aunt's comforting touch. 

"Come on, baby love. It's time to eat." Olivia helps her niece up. "It'll get better, you'll feel better, _eventually_ , I promise," Olivia whispers to her niece.

The Olivias arrive at the dinner table, Olivia's arm draped around her niece's shoulders. 

"Noah, Rosie, and Demi, this is your cousin Olivia Lyn," Olivia announces. 

"What's a cousin?" Rosie pipes up. 

"Um, you know how your mom had a brother? Uncle Simon? Well, he had a daughter and he named her after your mommy. Una prima, ella es la única prima de ustedes." Rafael chimes in, knowing the kids understood the meaning of the word in Spanish.

"Oh, una prima!" Rosie smiles in realization.

"You have curly hair and blue eyes like me!" Noah cheered. "Are you staying for dinner?" Noah's eyes perked up.

"Actually, she'll be staying with us for a while, while we sort out her situation, is that okay with you guys?" The kids and their father nod, jovially.

"Want to sit next to me?" Noah offers cooly, Olivia Lyn nods subtly, feeling welcomed at the dinner table. "How old are you?" Noah asks as his cousin takes a seat.

"Eight- almost nine." Olivia Lyn warms up to her cousin. 

"Me too!" Noah cheers.

"Really? When's your birthday?" Olivia leans back into her seat.

"January 31st! And when's yours?" 

"November 22nd! Did you know you're an Aquarius? My brother is an Aquarius and we're so compatible—he was an Aquarius." Olivia Lyn's excitement level dwindles as fast as it appeared. 

"What's an Aquarius?" Noah looks over at his parents as they set the plates in front of the children. 

"It's an astrological sign, the placement of the stars at the time of your birth." Rafael adds, "Maybe your cousin will tell you more about it if you're nice." Rafael smiles down at his son. 

"Where's Luca?" Demi inquires the whereabouts of her favorite little sibling. 

"He's asleep, remember he wasn't feeling too well this morning when you left for school," Olivia explains. 

The family digs into their meals, Olivia Lyn picks at her plate, her stomach feeling queasy. 

"You must be hungry, you haven't eaten since you got here." Olivia leans forward, worried about her niece.

"I—uh, what is this?" Olivia Lyn pushes the food around with her fork. 

"Ropa Vieja," Rafael answers, "shredded beef that's slow-cooked in tomatoes, onions, peppers, garlic, and wine to create the sauce with white rice, black beans, and sweet plantanos." She looks skeptical.

"You're Cuban?" She asks gently. 

"Yes, yes I am.' He nods at her assumption. "Have you ever had Cuban food?" She shakes her head bashfully.

"My mom was Jamaican and Haitian..." her voice trails off. 

"Ah, Jamaica! Our neighbors to the south." Rafael smiles warmly at her, "Have you ever been?" She shakes her head no once again, "It's beautiful in the springtime." Rafael engages further into the conversation. 

"My pops moved back to Jamaica after my nana divorced him and moved to Canada to get away from him," she chuckles ever so lightly.

"I promise you it's delicious if Noah the pickiest eater in the house is enjoying it." Rafael tries to convince her.

"I am not picky, Olives are just yuck!" Noah exaggerates.

"I hate olives too!" Olivia Lyn leans in closer to her plate. 

"No, not another one of you." Rafael laughs.

"Well, now we're on our way to having to order half the pizza without olives." Olivia rolls her eyes. "What else don't you eat?" 

"Um, pickles and mustard are gross," Olivia Lyn confesses as Olivia gasps.

"So how do you eat your hotdogs?" Liv is flabbergasted. 

"With Ketchup?" Olivia Lyn giggles at the odd question. She picks up her fork trying the food. 

"Oh, honey. I've gotta welcome you to New York properly." Olivia shakes her head. 

Dinner carries on peacefully, the conversation flowing naturally between the members at the dinner table. Rafael sends the kids off to get ready for bed as Olivia clears up the table and he works on the dishes. 

"Babe, let me worry about the dishes, you made dinner." Olivia wraps her arms around his waist from behind pressing her head into his upper back, between the base of his neck and the center of his back. 

"Well if I let you do that whose gonna show miss Olivia Lyn her way around the bathroom?" 

"You were amazing with her today, Raf. Thank you." She kisses his shoulder blade.

"You don't ever have to thank me for being a decent human, you taught me that."

"Well, I'm going to help her with getting ready for bed and showing her where she'll be staying the night? For now? Forever?" She raises an eyebrow sorting through her thoughts as she releases him from her embrace, "I'll meet you later for _our_ nighttime routine." She smacks his ass running off up the stairs before he can react. He chuckles at her childlike ebullience.

"Olivia?" Liv knocks on the guestroom door. 

"Yes?" 

"Can I come in?" Olivia Lyn laughed, opening the door. 

"It's your house, Ms. Olivia." She smiled weakly at the older Olivia.

"Ms. Olivia? What happened to Aunty Liv?" Olivia pouts at her junior. 

"I just wanted to be respectful," She bites her inner cheek.

"You can call me whatever makes you feel comfortable, Aunt or Aunty Liv, you can call me Liv or Olivia if you want, but that might be a little odd," Olivia senior began to ramble.

"Aunt Liv?" Olivia Lyn cuts her off, "Did you come up here for something _specific?"_

"Oh, yeah...I came up here to show you your way around the bathroom and the guestbe—your bedroom." She hesitates, "but I see you got the hang of it."

"Oh, yeah, that...Demi and Rosie showed me around their bathroom and Noah gave me a tour of the house and the rundown of how things operate here in the Barba residence." She smiled. 

"Well, if you need anything, and I mean _anything,_ my and Rafael's bedroom is right there at the end of the hall." She points to her door, the two stand there in silence for a few brief moments. "If there's really nothing, I guess this is where I say goodnight." Olivia awkwardly turns to head to her room, unsure if the young girl wanted to be hugged or not. 

"Well, actually—Aunt Liv?" Olivia turns around immediately.

"Yes, honey?" 

"Can you uh—um, take me to the store tomorrow? I—uh need to wash my hair?" She asks nervously, scratching the back of her neck. 

"Did Rosie or Demi not show you where we keep the shampoo and conditioner?" Olivia makes a step toward the bathroom.

"No—I mean, yes they did! But—um—I can't use it. Not that I can't use it—it's—it's not good for my curls; the dyes, perfumes, alcohol, and parabens." She fumbles through her explanation. "I don't need you to actually buy it for me—I—I have money! They can be pretty expensive and I forgot to pack mine when I ran away—I just need a ride to the store—actually no I don't—I just need your permission to go to the store alone and maybe some directions and probably a name of a store that sells curly hair products—"

"Olivia!" Liv cuts off her niece's never-ending nervous rambling. "I'll take you, love, and I'll pay for it, you don't have to worry about a thing, okay? Aunty Liv is going to make sure you're taken care of." She pulls her niece into a hug. 

"Thank you," she mumbles into Liv's chest, "good night."

"Goodnight Olivia, love you," she mumbles into her niece's hair, kissing her goodnight on the cheek.

Olivia makes it back to her bedroom to find her husband changing from his lounging clothes to his pajamas. She follows his lead, getting ready for bed.

“Hey, Luca’s been out for a while...are you sure he's okay?” Rafael panicked slightly, taking a seat slumped on the bed.

“He might’ve had some spoiled milk that knocked him out for the rest of the day,” Olivia’s smirk was barely visible.

“Didn’t he have a stomach ache? You gave him rotten milk?” Rafael sat up straighter, his eyes nearly bulging out of his head.

“Rafael—“

“Olivia—“

“—not like _that,”_

“—how did he get into—“ his eyes immediately drop to her chest as his eyes lingered on her bosom, “You did not nurse him,” Rafael facepalmed.

“Well, I didn’t shove my breast in his mouth. He sought me out and put up a good fight with my layers and won.” Olivia shrugged.

“How did he even—cause when I—“ Olivia bubbled with laughter at her husband’s confusion.

“I mean, I don’t necessarily know if he got anything.” She paused. “But he went left you went right, you have a favorite.” She quips.

“The right is slightly bigger and more sensitive,” he jeers, chuckling softly.

“Maybe you can try the left tonight.” Olivia raises a suggestive eyebrow.

“Don’t tease me, Olivia.” Rafael licked his lips, “maybe I can finally see what the hype is all about.” She scoffs.

“Hm, I actually remember you feasting after the twins,”

“They were dangerously plump, practically twice their size!” Raf nearly drools at the memory, “Maybe just a small taste to help me remember.”

“Only if it’s a small taste,” she wraps her arms around his neck.

“Oh, mi amor,” Rafael grabbed his wife’s waist pinning her to the bed, “you’re about to be depleted.” Olivia’s giggles silenced by her husband’s lips.

**—**

Demi stumbled down the hall sleepily, casually wiping the exhaustion out of her eyes, but the sound of distress, indistinguishable lyrics, slow piano notes, and muffled sobs caught her attention. Demi peered down the hall, getting off route to her parents' room to ask for a glass of water, as they got carried away with their night time rendevous and forgot to set them out on the children's nightstand so they don't have to venture out in the middle of the night for it. Demi approaches the guest room, slowly sticking her head inside the brightly lit room. 

“Why are you crying? Are you okay?” Olivia Lyn attempts to swallow her grief, this only causes her to sob, shaking her head furiously.

“I want to say yes, Demi. But I can’t.” Demi enters the room cautiously, she gently wraps her arms around her cousin’s neck.

“Why are you sad, Lynnie?” Demi used her small thumbs to wipe away Olivia Lyn’s tears.

 _Lynnie?_ The nickname made her smile. She liked it. A lot.

“I lost my mom yesterday.” She sighs into her little cousin's embrace.

“Oh no! I’ll help you find her, Lynnie! We’ll find her before your birthday comes!” Demi glares at the clock, pulling back to read the time, 8:53 PM it was tangoing dangerously close to her bedtime, the sleep that consumed her mere minutes ago the furthest thing from present. “We can sneak out! I won’t tell if you don’t.” Demi whispers in her ear.

“Are you trying to get me put out?” She chuckles through her tears. “I didn’t mean I can’t find her, I meant a really bad man hurt my mom yesterday and I’m not able to see her ever again.” Demi’s bottom lip trembled. “He also hurt my older brother. I won’t be able to see him either. Or my daddy anymore.”

“You don’t have a Mommy or Daddy?” Lynnie shook her head. “Do you have a twinie? A little brother?” She shook her head once again.

“I don’t have any other siblings.” Tears tracked down Demi’s face.

“We can share mine! We can share Noah and Luca and even Rosie! She won’t be your twin but she can still make you smile. We can share Mommy and Papí too! Mommy gives the best hugs! And Daddy gives the bestest talks and does the goodest voices during storytime.” Demi tried her hardest to cheer her cousin up. “I’ll be your little sissy,” Demi said earnestly.

Demi couldn’t fathom her life without her parents or siblings, it simply wasn’t a life worth living, not even worth thinking about.

“That’s super sweet, Demi. But I don’t think I’ll be here very long.” Lynnie states, climbing onto the guest bed.

“What? You’re leaving? Lynnie, don’t leave... _stay, please!_ You just got here.” Demi climbed into the bed after her, wrapping her arms snugly around her cousin.

“It’s not up to me, Demi. But if I had the choice to stay or go, I’d stay with you guys. Always stay with you.” She snuggled closer to her little cousin, allowing her to cry gently onto her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imelda = warrior woman or powerful fighter  
> Una prima, ella es la única prima de ustedes = a cousin, she is your guys' only cousin 
> 
> *From here on out Olivia Marsden will be referred to as Lyn/Lynnie just to save the confusion*


End file.
